A Letter To My love

Dear love

I do not know whether this deserves a letter or not. There have been so many emails in and out, harsh and loud , sweet and soft that perhaps you'll skim your eyes through this one without even knowing how essential it is for you, for me , for everything we have had in the past 2 years 3 months and 21 days.

This is firstly not a love letter, not a hate letter, not a reconciliation nor a threat. Moreover it requires a certain kind of devotion while you read it, so basically do not read it if you lack time. You will get nothing out of it. You'll have to read between the lines at some places, experience what I am experiencing now and yes most importantly drop your ego and anger and accept it with peace. It takes time to do that so you can revisit this letter later when you actually have attained the pre requisites.

Here I will not debate what went wrong or what went right between the two of us. It has been discussed over and over again so many times that we both have a list ready to smash into each other's face with our grudges written over shamelessly. So now we need to know why in the first place it happened. To call it destiny is one way. We both were not seeking love. But then we entered the relationship and discovered that we can love each other with a passion that can bring our world to a halt. We were insanely in love to the point that days like Sundays felt a mere punishment. We were so in ourselves that everything else ceased to matter. Our entire focus was on "us", and our love. We were drowning in passion. Once the initial euphoria gave away. We felt a need to stabilize and with that came a need to possess. Until then we were just loving and after that we started fighting. It was all because instead of loving we wanted to possess each other's soul, body and thoughts. The mere fact that someone else might have a fraction of any of these infuriated our souls to the point that we were ready to give upon everything even our love but not the fact that what we have is ours. We became possessive, territorial( I recently found insecure was a wrong word and because I am sure you would have been checking my wall, I guess you know why it is wrong)

Our fights grew. Our longing to protect what was ours was taking over our sanity. We used each and every moment trying to assure ourselves that we belonged to each other yet we were always uncertain. Always suspicious.

What worse could have happened? You would have fallen in love with someone else and I would have with some other man. What would have happened next? As the initial honeymoon period of that love would have faded away we would have realized that something is missing. The connection. Think for yourself when was the last time you barred your soul in front of someone to the extent that you were not ashamed of doing anything in front of them? Was it me or someone else? When was the last time you could tell someone precisely how you felt in words that you knew wouldn't matter? Was it me or someone else? I have a place in your life , your heart, your body like no one else. A place that is solely mine and shall remain unclaimed. The exact same goes for your position in my life. We may love again, go naked and make out with anyone else. But to bare the secrets we hold in our heart would be difficult.

We simply forgot that love knows no conditions nor does it have demands or just plain aggressiveness. We behaved as if all our etiquette were taken away from us.

Heetesh and Kanikaa got back after one year. Kanikaa had another relationship so did Heetesh but today when I saw them again they had the same fire, the same passion, the same love and even more in their eyes than ever before. Maybe it took them a year to understand that perhaps they can't live without each other.

Sometimes all it takes is some little time to understand what we require and what we want.

We have to move away. There is no way out of this turmoil. We have to quit it because it is ugly. This is not for what we entered each other's lives. We need love and not the hatred that has seeped in. It might take days, months even years or forever to understand if we want and require each other.

I have dreams so do you. They differ. But does that mean we'll undermine the sheer possibility of making them come true?Why do we have to compete with each other's dreams? Why couldn't we support them. Why did our insecurities take better of our love and leave the bitter.? My feelings for you are intense and now I cannot refuse to acknowledge them rather I have to or else they'll consume me.  I love you. Yes I again admit that after days of not talking to you. I LOVE YOU. But that does not mean we have to tie a knot now. Yes I have been particularly crazy about marrying you because I have always dreamt of calling something mine. Only mine. And I thought it can be you. But because I can see it clearly you don't want to be one , it will be someone else but does that mean I should stop loving you?

Even if it does I can't. It is not in my control. And that is why I went away and distanced myself. I can't see you getting any worse. I can't see you disrespecting me. You said I look sad, Yes I do because that is what has remained after so many evil fights we have. I am wearing out every moment. My heart is scared to invest anymore.

Let me leave with an image of yours that I can save in my heart and reminisce over when I am older. I want that image to be of a loving man. Someone who would never leave my side. You are that someone to me. It is difficult to live without you but it is more difficult to live with you. You reside in me yet there is a void.

You need to know that we have loved a lot, its time to let each other go and invade our spaces with other things so that either we realize that we need each other or we find something that makes us realize why we don't need each other. Something of the two will happen.

Take care.

I send your heart to you. And I am taking back mine. The memories are at your disposal. Keep them or erase them. It is your wish. Call it my overconfidence but I know my place shall remain unconquered for the next 2 years. Maybe after that someone can but not atleast for the next two years.

I want you to succeed anyhow. You are not in my wishes but in some unsaid prayers.

Let us dream, let us rejoice for after some years it will be too late to find time to do so.

Yours in my own kind of way

She hit the send button hoping this would ease the pain she felt.

Regret and Revenge

She pulled the trigger with all her force. The gunshot went and pierced his head. He fell down in the pool of blood. The sound of the shot was still ringing in her ears. It was so loud that she had turned momentarily deaf. Her knees wobbled like jelly. She collapsed on the ground, shivering.

She took off her gloves and stuffed them into her bag. She looked around for any sign of her belongings. She smiled at her planning tactics. Nobody will ever find out who killed this bastard. Nobody. She had alibis everywhere. Even if they did, she wouldn't be having any regrets. She wanted justice, she got it. She drove at a maddening speed to her mansion. She took a bath and wore a black dress. She bought two bunches of fresh roses and made way to the cementary.

She put down the first bunch on a grave covered with mosses and ferns.

"Your love for gardening will never go away. Right?"

She placed the flowers and sat next to the grave.

"You know what I killed him. I am not afraid. But you know I am still angry. I failed as a mother. Hmmm... It is a bit lonely without you. There are times when I want to wrap my arms around you and feel your warmth. I want to pull your tie and look into your eyes and romance with you. How stupid am I? When you were there I rarely looked up from my file. It is pointless to say all this but know that I miss you."

She ruffled the grass on the top of his grave. The greenery fed from her tears . She took a deep breath and placed the other bunch on the grave next to it.

"How is my little princess doing? Mia I miss you beta. You could have just told mumma once. I would have left everything. Why did you not trust mumma? I know I ask you this question everytime but I need an answer Mia. Mumma requires an answer. Mumma did not spare that man and remember I gave him the worst death that was possible. Had you told me once I would have still killed him but atleast you would have been with me. Your room feels so quiet. Nobody listens to rock songs. Leave it today is a happy day , no sad thoughts. See what mumma has brought for you. Red roses. You love them na? Even your dad did. Mia is there anything else that you are hiding from me? "

She broke into sobs. She felt a hand on her shoulder. An old lady smiled to her.

"It will be fine. They are with God. He'll take good care of them", she spoke with love in her voice.

She stood up. And went towards the gate. She saw the old lady waiting for something.

"Do you need a ride back home?"

"Well that would be lovely. Just drop me by the church."

She sank in the sofa staring at the portrait of her once happy family. Her husband and her daughter. Her husband died in a car accident few years ago. Mia couldn't bear the loss of her father.

She became workaholic. She spent most of her time in meetings and files. She knew Mia needed her but she also knew that she needed to provide her with a comfortable future. Unable to cope up with the pressure Mia was found hanging from the fan.

She was shattered. Everyone blamed it on her father's death and the negligent behaviour of the mother. If only she knew that Mia would take such a step. Many at times she would come late and find Mia sleeping blissfully in her room. She felt defeated. By destiny and kept on blaming it on herself.

One fine evening while she was cleaning Mia's wardrobe she found a diary.

23 March

He again came and patted me on my head. His hand slithered on my back and made its way inside my top. I wanted to move away but he held me tight. His devilish smile. I wanted mum to come early but I knew she wouldn't. He kept touching me again and again.

She flipped the pages.

27 March

He was standing at the door. He did not let me leave. He pushed me down...

The rest of the words were blurred perhaps the ink diluted with her daughter's tears.

14 April

I can't take it anymore. I think I am pregnant. How will I tell mum? I missed my periods. I searched online. What will all my friends think? But one day I will take revenge Mr. Manorath Kripashankar. I will.

She closed the diary. Her daughter was a victim of sexual abuse.

"Manorath? How could he do it? I trusted him so much."

Manorath was a political leader in the district who helped her when her husband died. He was like her elder brother. But then her daughter had to pay for the trust she put into a person who deserved none.

She vowed revenge. "Mia was alone Manorath so am I but this time you'll know what a woman is capable of doing."

She started making advances towards Manorath on the pretense of lonliness. Manorath being a lewd pig fell for it instantly. She spent months planning her revenge skillfully without any flaws. She awaited the final day like a tigress awaiting her final kill.

Manorath poured a glass of wine for her.

"Ah! You look so lovely. But these gloves don't match the dress. Some new fashion?"

She smiled. She lured him in to a weekend escapade without bringing it in knowledge of anyone. In an isolated farm house they dined together.

He started coughing violently grasping his throat.

"I can't breathe."

His chest heaved and beads of sweat formed on his forehead.

"Feeling suffocated Manorath", she questioned and then laughed hysterically.

"What the hell are you upto? Call the ambulance."

"My daughter felt the same everytime your slithering motives and moves progressed in her direction. Don't worry it wouldn't last long. You'll die in like half an hour. It is a slow poison. Till then let me enjoy seeing you wither and dance in pain. You spineless man. Mia was just 15. You could have got any prostitute on your bed, why my daughter? I trusted you but then trust doesn't always pay, does it? You did trust me as well."

All color drained from his face. Nothing was said. He knew he wouldn't be spared.

He started frantically moving towards the alarm board. Panicking she took out the gun and shot. This was not in her plan but then he had to die either ways.  She sighed.

"Life isn't fair. Someday we all have to pay for the sins we commit. I loved my family. But then I never thought I'll get no time to spend with them. How effortlessly I believed that I'll spend the rest of my life with them. Life is cruel. Life is smart. It teaches you all the lessons the harsh way."

"Mia I am sorry."

Imperfectly Perfect

She stood in one corner of the bus holding the bar above her head tightly. The roads always provided her an adventurous ride to office. Just then the bus halted causing her to bump into the man standing in front of her.

"I am sorry", she spoke softly.

The man startled by the mesmerizing voice turned his head to find a veiled woman with beautiful kohled eyes. Her eyes spoke volumes. He cursed the bad weather of the city and the pollution mentally. Had the weather been good he would have got a glimpse of her beautiful face. He kept staring at her causing her great discomfort. She coughed gently to awaken him from his slumber and bring him back to reality.

"Umm yes yes it is okay. These roads can make any one to a disco dance in bus."

She averted her gaze.

"Shit my sense of humour badly failed", he ridiculed his own self.

On the next stop she got down.

It had been 15 days since they both travelled together on the same route but none of them spoke to each other. He did not want to be misunderstood for some roadside Romeo but was deeply intrigued by the girl. And then one fine day he got a seat next to her. The dark clouds covering the sky, the winds gaining momentum and the sounds of thunder. With every gush of wind he would expectantly look at her wishing her veil to fly and give him a glimpse of how she looked but to his utter bad luck the veil was tight enough to withstand the force of wind.

"The weather is really nice", he stammered as he spoke.

"Yes it is", she replied to his amazement.

"The wind feels like velvet on the face. Wouldn't you like to feel that", he tried his luck yet again.

"Ahaaan bad idea I guess."

This was their first conversation. Over a period of a month they became good enough acquaintances. They'd bid each other good morning and goodbyes. He came to know that her name was Amrita and she worked for an MNC. She came to know that his name was Pritesh and he worked in the bank. They'd occasionally talk about their work and families. They had exchanged their numbers. Late night whatsapping and phone calls. She was not on Facebook else he would have sent her a request as well. Pritesh before he could understand was falling in love. One fine day he mustered the courage to ask her out for a cup of coffee. She denied.

Back at her home she sat on her bed thinking about him. After so many years she felt so alive. The daily bus rides that she cursed were now the ones she awaited. She liked his honesty. But then what about her truth? How long could she have hidden that? Would he love her even after knowing that? She was spinning her dreams on the bedrock of lies. She went to the mirror in her room whose gaze she avoided every morning. She ran her fingers across her cheek and then to her lips. She pressed her lips together. Memories of that unfateful day haunted her yet again.

3 Years ago

She was walking down the road coming back from college. It was the last day of her college. A beautiful girl was walking ahead of her. Oblivious to the impending doom she fastened her pace to catch the glimpse of that girl. And suddenly she felt ice cold water on her hand and face and screams. That was followed by a burning sensation. She couldn't decipher what happened.

She woke up in the hospital.

*Two girls face acid attacks. The attackers absconding.*

She was stunned. She was angry at God because this was unfair. She wasn't in any relationship, neither did any guy ever approach her. It was later that she came to know that the real victim was the girl next to her who couldn't survive the attack. She was scathed because she was next to her. She cursed her luck endlessly. She cursed that moment when her curiosity got better of her. Had she kept walking at her own pace she could have been saved. Only if.

She spent days, weeks and months regretting her decisions. She stared at the mirror and then break into sobs. She was a decent looking girl but that accident took away everything. Her face looked like a mass of flesh, her lips disfigured. She underwent 13 surgeries for them to perform normally and look okay but still it was far from normal. For months she did not step out fearing what reaction would she get. She was tired of the endless sympathies people gave. She required none. With time she felt more and more repressed and agitated sitting back at home. Her face now no none made a difference. She understood that if she could get used to it then obviously people would also get that. She gathered the fragments of her life and reformed them molding them back into how she envisioned them an year ago. She applied for a job. Many at times kids would point at her and shout to their mothers "mom ghost". But then she knew they were naive. She would go to them and tell them that she wasn't a ghost. Her friendly demeanor won everyone's heart. She veiled herself to prevent her skin from infection and also to prevent getting sympathy and weird glances all the time.

But then after meeting Pritesh she again started contemplating if she was good enough. She again started wishing for a flawless skin. This is what love does to you. It makes you insecure, makes you wonder if you are good enough. Is this what love is? What if he rejects her? What if? She had nothing to lose except the a guy who couldn't look past her looks. It was a wild bet but then it was one she found worth playing for.

She boarded the bus.

“Well would you like to go for a coffee”, she asked nervously.

Pritesh finally felt elated.

“Yes sure.”

“Pritesh before anything else I guess let’s face each other.”

Pritesh waited with baited breath. Finally the girl he dreamt of day and night would unveil herself. She gently took off her scarf.

All his aspirations fell down like a castle made of playing cards. He was crestfallen. Her slightly charred lip, uneven complexion gave him goosebumps. Suddenly the alluring princess did not appear that attractive to him. He was in a fix how to tell her that though he liked her still he wasn’t able to accept her. His silence said it all. She stared at her phone and faked a call.

“I am sorry. I have to leave.”

“Umm okay see you tomorrow.”

He sat there in silence, shocked and completely dejected.

“She was supposed to be my dream girl. Well but okay fine.”

“Finding love is pretty difficult and with a face like mine a little more difficult”, she smiled.

As expected she never saw Pritesh again in the same bus. Her eyes searched for him continuously. She also lost a friend. She did not harbor any hatred towards him. She was pragmatic enough to understand that he was also a human being. He was not some saint. It would be stupid to expect him to love her unconditionally. It was not a Hindi movie going on anyways. Days passed and all her anxiety was put to rest. Her usual regime continued.

One fine evening she was sitting in her office when she received a note

Amrita

Not that my liking for you was fake, not that I am a beauty obsessed person. Call me a coward but I am not that brave to accept you and make a life with you. You are an exceptionally nice girl and I am not the one for you. I wrote this because I did not want you to think that there is some fault in you. You are perfect I am not. You will get a better guy. You deserve better. All the best for life. 

Your friend for life

Pritesh

She smiled and kept the note in her drawer. She knew he was right.

An Invaluable Lesson

"How am I looking Maa", asked Nandini holding her wedding dress in front of her.

Her mother hastily looked at her and smiled reassuring her that she looked just like a fairy. Nandini jumped with joy. The entire house was brimming with relatives and people from the neighborhood. The aunties singing wedding songs, the uncles shouting and yelling at workers to decorate the home fast, her father instructing the caterer giving special instructions, her mother attending the guests and taking care of every other details. Nandini sat between the ladies who were singing the wedding sagas. She started dancing.

Someone teased her.

"Nandini your mother-in-law wouldn't be this liberal. Now tame your childishness."

"Aunty why would she do that? I will be just like her daughter na", asked Nandini who was perplexed.

"Arre that is just for sake of saying. Mother-in-laws are your biggest rivals. They will control you and try to dominate you", added another.

"Nandini take your husband in your control or else be ready to slave them", added another lady.

"Haven't you seen that TV serial "Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi", questioned the fat aunty who was munching continuously on snacks.

They all laughed and kept teasing her leaving Nandini more uncomfortable and restless about her marriage. She started contemplating the behaviour of her future mother-in-law.

"Yes she is a little strict but I guess she was liberal with her son why would she differentiate? But what if she does? Who will support me then?"

She kept thinking. She looked at her mother who was a mute spectator t in the entire conversation. She felt a little strange because usually her mother participated in every discussion. Today her silence signified that perhaps there was something more to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Nandini are you asleep", asked her mother peeping into her room.

"No mom. Just a little anxious."

"Mind going out for a walk?"

"Mom don't you think it is too late?

"No I need to talk to you. It is your last night in this home. I guess we do need some time together. There is so much hustle bustle in the home and I want some uninterrupted time. Get up, take a shawl and come."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The breeze outside was cool. The star lit sky lightened their path. The moon was playing hide and seek with the clouds. The occasional chirps of a cricket was breaking the silence. The leaves under their feet cracked. It was autumn. The trees appeared orangish and their leaves adorned the ground more than their stems. They kept walking for a while. She waited for her mother to speak.

"I was married at a tender age of 19. Both my parents died when I was 12. My mamaji got me married to your father. When I was going to enter your father's house I was very scared. I had heard from people that my mother- in-law was a very strict lady. All the stories I heard while growing up wherein the mothers-in-law mistreated the daughters-in-law came to my mind. My mother-in-law whom you called as your Grandmother was a very authoritative figure in the home."

"Hmmmmm", Nandini listened with rapt attention.

"My mamaji was not that rich still he managed to arrange decently for the marriage. But when I came here I had no ornaments. I was sitting in the drawing room when all the other ladies started pointing that out. They taunted me and my family. I felt so humiliated under my veil that tears began welling up in my eyes. Just then your Grandmother came with a box full of jewellery telling everyone how she forgot to give me my jewellery that my Mamaji gave her. I looked at her with questioning eyes. She pressed my hand signaling me to keep quiet. That was my first meeting with her. Those were her jewellary which she brought out to save my grace."

Her mother's voice was shaking. Still she continued.

"Later that day when I was asked to cook food by all the other relatives. I had no prior knowledge of cooking and perhaps your Grandmother sensed that. As I stood helpless in the kitchen she secretly entered the kitchen and cooked the "Kheer". I was praise by everyone and of all she came first and handed me another necklace telling everyone how lucky she was to have me. Nandini my Mamiji loved me yet for the first time I felt a mother's love. Two times in a row she helped me. I respected her but then I started to love her like she was my own mother. She was different from what people said about mothers in law. She never restricted me. She was more like a mother always telling me where I was right or wrong."

"That is really unbelievable Maa. Wish I could have been with Grandma."

"Still I knew that if she had to choose between her son and me , she would choose her son but soon even this misconception got washed away. One day your father and I had a heated argument. We were in our room and he slapped me. That slap was not just on my face but on my respect. I felt my dignity was outraged. He opened the door and walked out. Amma called him. I still remember every detail.

Flashback

"Did you hit her?"

*Silence*

"I asked you did you hit her?"

"Maa it is our argument you do not fall into it."

*Slap*

"How dare did you hit my daughter. Is this what we have taught you all our life. I feel ashamed being your mother. You have just proved that there is some fault in our upbringing. That girl left her entire family and came to yours and accepted your family. She is adjusting day and night and this is what you give her in return? If a verbal fight was going on why did you raise your hand? What did you think there is no one to defend her? Did you feel insulted when I slapped you? Similarly she felt insulted when you did the same. Put yourself in her shoes and think. She is my daughter and dare you even try to raise your hand again. Just because you are my son doesn't mean I will take your side. Go and apologize right now and by right now I mean now."

Flashback end

"What???? You mean to say Grandma slapped Dad because he slapped you", Nandini stood gaping at her mother.

"Yes Nandu. Later she did come to me and told me that as a mother it is her responsibility to stop her son from indulging into domestic violence and being the daughter of that house I should be respected. Ever since that day your father did not even raise his voice."

"Oh my God that is unbelievable. Grandma was a fearless lady indeed", chirped Nandini.

"Hmmm yes she was. When you were in my womb everyone secretly prayed for it to be a boy. All near and dear relatives blessed me to have a sweet boy and then you were born. The entire house mourned except your Grandma. She gave a big party and named you. She was very happy and told everyone that Goddess Laxmi has come. Even I felt a little dejected. But she came and consoled me telling me that it was God's desire. I loved you my daughter yet because of the social norms I felt sad and hopeless."

"Maa you were not happy with me being born", she stuck her lower lip out.

"Beta it is not like that errr....."

"Maa it is okay I understand . Please continue."

"What continue? Well even on her death bed when she got terminally ill she kept arguing with your father to allow me to do a job. She won the fight but lost to that disease. The only regret I have is not being able to give her my first salary. Every day and night I keep her in my prayers . I feel at peace when I talk to her portrait. She is my motivator even now. Somehow I feel her presence even now."

Her mother wiped her eye lashes. She broke down. Composing herself she continued.

"The reason I told you this is not because I wanted to glorify your Grandmother but because I want you to believe that mothers-in-law are also mothers. They are not villains as they show on the television. Do not fear your new home and do not have prejudices about people you know. Initially everyone has difficulties adjusting to a new place. Just remember you future mother in law is as much as a mother to you as I am. You do not need to control her or her son to earn your respect. Love that family unconditionally and they will love you back."

She hugged her daughter. Nandini felt a lump in her throat. She felt like crying yet she felt relieved because now she was happy going to her new home.

"Thank you Maa. This is one of the most invaluable lessons that you have taught me."

"Lets go back now. Everyone would be searching the bride", her mother smiled mischievously.