The conflict

“The electrons are then excited and they move to the next state but in order to gain stability they lose some energy and shift to the metastable state.”

The entire class was listening to the Professor with rapt attention but however hard she tried to concentrate her mind got diverted to the rambling of her stomach. She felt uneasy and dizzy. Excusing herself from the class she made her way to the washroom. Retching the contents of her stomach she felt better and more in control.

“God knows what has entered my system. I’ll skip the counselling and visit the doctor.”

She pulled out her mobile and typed a message to her best friend Miya.

*I am not well. Write an application for me and meet me at the college gate.*

Miya rushed to the college gate. Her face looked flushed and full of concern.

“Are you okay? What happened?”

“Nothing I have an upset stomach. Lets go.”

Miya prayed in her heart. She knew her friend had endured so much in the past one month that now she did  not even want her to go through an upset stomach as well.

“Please come back tomorrow to get your reports and make sure you don’t miss your counselling sessions, you need them.”

“Yes doctor”, she replied promptly.

The day passed swiftly . She decided to skip college today and collect her reports.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She entered her home, devastated. She threw the report on the bed and slumped in her bean bag. The pages of the report flew in the entire room. She sat still in her place not even bothering once to put the pages back. She punched in a number on her phone. Nobody picked up. She tried again. No response. She threw her phone.

“What are you doing here? I went to your college and Miya told me you are at home”, Raul shouted.

She sat still. He shuddered. Last he saw her sitting so still brought back all those memories. He instantly softened.

“Baby what happened?”

“I am pregnant.”

He was shocked. Entirely shocked.

“Did you not take the emergency contraceptive pill that night?”

“I did.”

“Then how is it possible?”

“There is no 100% guarantee.”

“Its okay baby. We’ll deal with this. We’ll get it aborted.”

“I want to keep the baby.”

“Do you even know what you are saying? Keep this baby? Are you out of your mind?”

“Yes I want to keep it,” sounding more determined.

“Baby think about your future. You are just 22. You have college to complete. Your entire life awaits you. Don’t take life long impaling decisions in moments of instant madness. Think about it. For once.”

“What is the fault of this baby? Why should we punish it for no fault of its own. Please Raul I want your support right now. Don’t fight with me.”

“I love you and you know that but I am not ready for this at all. This child is not coming in our lives. And that is final.”

“But why not? Raul I am going to give birth to it.”

“Enough is enough when I am telling you to abort it then do so. Simple as that. I don’t want a further argument. Choose and decide.”

“Are you asking me to choose between you and my baby?”

“For God sake what my baby shit is this.”

“You can leave.”

“What the hell? Are you telling me you’ll leave me for this god damn child of a rapist? I stood up for you all this while. I never left your side and now after everything you are doing this to me? You are not his mother. This is the memoir of the event that ruined your life. And not only your life, but your parents, your family and even my life. Do you even know how I feel? The girl I love the most got raped and I couldn’t do anything about it. I accepted this fact somehow and now you are telling me you want to have the child of that rapist? What do you think I am? A saint? I have no problems with what happened but under no circumstance am I going to support you bringing the child of that fucking man in our lives.”

“Calm down Raul. It happened with me and I am the only person who knows how it feels. Neither my parents, nor my family nor you do. And when I do not harbour any hatred for this child why are you making an issue out of it. He is not just a rapists child. It is mine as well.”

“Baby listen to me. You are very emotional right now but think about it whenever you will see this child you’ll be reminded of that night. I seriously don’t want you to undergo that pain.”

“And if I don’t see that child will I not be reminded of that night?”

“Its better to bang my head against the wall than to make you understand. I am leaving and I am making it very clear to you that I will not support you in this.”

She sat in silence. Thinking about everything that was happening.

“Maybe I am expecting too much out of Raul. Why should he back me up with this? He could have left me after that night. But asking him to support me with this, no I am being unfair towards him as well. But then I want this child. I know this is insane, outrageously stupid but I don’t know what is leading me now. At any cost I want this child.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4 Months Later

She picked up the bag full of groceries with discomfort. Her bulging stomach ached But she balanced herself.

“Let me help you.”

She turned around to find that Raul was standing, extending his hand towards her.

“No thank you. I am fine.”

She went away. All these four months Raul tried hard to convince her to change her decision. Seeing her pained his heart. But then he did not give in. He knew he loved her with or without that child. But then he did not want her to be burdened by a responsibility that was not even hers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She laid on the operation table screaming in pain. The nurses trying to pacify her. The doctor knew he could save just one.

Outside Raul was pacing up and down the corridor praying for her.

The light went off. He immediately rushed to the OT. The doctor appeared tensed.

“Can I meet her?”

“She is still very critical. We are unable to stop the internal bleeding. She might not survive.”

He waited outside cursing all Gods, cursing the new born and cursing his luck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Raul you know perhaps I won’t survive.”

“Thats rubbish, doctors are trying. You have another surgery in an hour. All would be fine.”

“Raul will you do me a favour?”

“Hmmmmmm...”

“I don’t want my child to be an orphan like me. I will not survive and I can sense that. Will you take this responsibility?”

“You have given him birth , and you better come back and take care of it. Nothing will happen to you”, he kissed her forehead.

“She could not make it”, the doctor said.

He went still. He felt numb. He couldn’t breathe. Almost suddenly he heard the cry of the baby. He felt enraged.

“Stop crying you bloody evil thing. You took her away from me. I’ll throw you, kill you or leave you in an orphanage. You don’t deserve life.”

The baby cried harder. Unable to resist he went to the crib. His eyes refusing to even look at him.

With hatred laced heart he looked at the crying baby. The eyes. The eyes of the baby resembled her eyes. He could never see those eyes in tears. Not even now. He picked the baby up and almost instantly the baby held his finger.

He felt a connection because it was her baby and he wanted to be with her always and keep her happy.

“Doctor can we have the adoption papers?”