A Letter To My love

Dear love

I do not know whether this deserves a letter or not. There have been so many emails in and out, harsh and loud , sweet and soft that perhaps you'll skim your eyes through this one without even knowing how essential it is for you, for me , for everything we have had in the past 2 years 3 months and 21 days.

This is firstly not a love letter, not a hate letter, not a reconciliation nor a threat. Moreover it requires a certain kind of devotion while you read it, so basically do not read it if you lack time. You will get nothing out of it. You'll have to read between the lines at some places, experience what I am experiencing now and yes most importantly drop your ego and anger and accept it with peace. It takes time to do that so you can revisit this letter later when you actually have attained the pre requisites.

Here I will not debate what went wrong or what went right between the two of us. It has been discussed over and over again so many times that we both have a list ready to smash into each other's face with our grudges written over shamelessly. So now we need to know why in the first place it happened. To call it destiny is one way. We both were not seeking love. But then we entered the relationship and discovered that we can love each other with a passion that can bring our world to a halt. We were insanely in love to the point that days like Sundays felt a mere punishment. We were so in ourselves that everything else ceased to matter. Our entire focus was on "us", and our love. We were drowning in passion. Once the initial euphoria gave away. We felt a need to stabilize and with that came a need to possess. Until then we were just loving and after that we started fighting. It was all because instead of loving we wanted to possess each other's soul, body and thoughts. The mere fact that someone else might have a fraction of any of these infuriated our souls to the point that we were ready to give upon everything even our love but not the fact that what we have is ours. We became possessive, territorial( I recently found insecure was a wrong word and because I am sure you would have been checking my wall, I guess you know why it is wrong)

Our fights grew. Our longing to protect what was ours was taking over our sanity. We used each and every moment trying to assure ourselves that we belonged to each other yet we were always uncertain. Always suspicious.

What worse could have happened? You would have fallen in love with someone else and I would have with some other man. What would have happened next? As the initial honeymoon period of that love would have faded away we would have realized that something is missing. The connection. Think for yourself when was the last time you barred your soul in front of someone to the extent that you were not ashamed of doing anything in front of them? Was it me or someone else? When was the last time you could tell someone precisely how you felt in words that you knew wouldn't matter? Was it me or someone else? I have a place in your life , your heart, your body like no one else. A place that is solely mine and shall remain unclaimed. The exact same goes for your position in my life. We may love again, go naked and make out with anyone else. But to bare the secrets we hold in our heart would be difficult.

We simply forgot that love knows no conditions nor does it have demands or just plain aggressiveness. We behaved as if all our etiquette were taken away from us.

Heetesh and Kanikaa got back after one year. Kanikaa had another relationship so did Heetesh but today when I saw them again they had the same fire, the same passion, the same love and even more in their eyes than ever before. Maybe it took them a year to understand that perhaps they can't live without each other.

Sometimes all it takes is some little time to understand what we require and what we want.

We have to move away. There is no way out of this turmoil. We have to quit it because it is ugly. This is not for what we entered each other's lives. We need love and not the hatred that has seeped in. It might take days, months even years or forever to understand if we want and require each other.

I have dreams so do you. They differ. But does that mean we'll undermine the sheer possibility of making them come true?Why do we have to compete with each other's dreams? Why couldn't we support them. Why did our insecurities take better of our love and leave the bitter.? My feelings for you are intense and now I cannot refuse to acknowledge them rather I have to or else they'll consume me.  I love you. Yes I again admit that after days of not talking to you. I LOVE YOU. But that does not mean we have to tie a knot now. Yes I have been particularly crazy about marrying you because I have always dreamt of calling something mine. Only mine. And I thought it can be you. But because I can see it clearly you don't want to be one , it will be someone else but does that mean I should stop loving you?

Even if it does I can't. It is not in my control. And that is why I went away and distanced myself. I can't see you getting any worse. I can't see you disrespecting me. You said I look sad, Yes I do because that is what has remained after so many evil fights we have. I am wearing out every moment. My heart is scared to invest anymore.

Let me leave with an image of yours that I can save in my heart and reminisce over when I am older. I want that image to be of a loving man. Someone who would never leave my side. You are that someone to me. It is difficult to live without you but it is more difficult to live with you. You reside in me yet there is a void.

You need to know that we have loved a lot, its time to let each other go and invade our spaces with other things so that either we realize that we need each other or we find something that makes us realize why we don't need each other. Something of the two will happen.

Take care.

I send your heart to you. And I am taking back mine. The memories are at your disposal. Keep them or erase them. It is your wish. Call it my overconfidence but I know my place shall remain unconquered for the next 2 years. Maybe after that someone can but not atleast for the next two years.

I want you to succeed anyhow. You are not in my wishes but in some unsaid prayers.

Let us dream, let us rejoice for after some years it will be too late to find time to do so.

Yours in my own kind of way

She hit the send button hoping this would ease the pain she felt.