Dear love
I do not know whether this deserves a letter or not. There have been so
many emails in and out, harsh and loud , sweet and soft that perhaps you'll
skim your eyes through this one without even knowing how essential it is for
you, for me , for everything we have had in the past 2 years 3 months and 21
days.
This is firstly not a love letter, not a hate letter, not a reconciliation
nor a threat. Moreover it requires a certain kind of devotion while you read
it, so basically do not read it if you lack time. You will get nothing out of
it. You'll have to read between the lines at some places, experience what I am
experiencing now and yes most importantly drop your ego and anger and accept it
with peace. It takes time to do that so you can revisit this letter later when
you actually have attained the pre requisites.
Here I will not debate what went wrong or what went right between the two
of us. It has been discussed over and over again so many times that we both
have a list ready to smash into each other's face with our grudges written over
shamelessly. So now we need to know why in the first place it happened. To call
it destiny is one way. We both were not seeking love. But then we entered the
relationship and discovered that we can love each other with a passion that can
bring our world to a halt. We were insanely in love to the point that days like Sundays felt a mere punishment. We were so in ourselves that everything else
ceased to matter. Our entire focus was on "us", and our love. We were
drowning in passion. Once the initial euphoria gave away. We felt a need to stabilize and with that came a need to possess. Until then we were just loving
and after that we started fighting. It was all because instead of loving we
wanted to possess each other's soul, body and thoughts. The mere fact that
someone else might have a fraction of any of these infuriated our souls to the
point that we were ready to give upon everything even our love but not the fact
that what we have is ours. We became possessive, territorial( I recently found
insecure was a wrong word and because I am sure you would have been checking my
wall, I guess you know why it is wrong)
Our fights grew. Our longing to protect what was ours was taking over our
sanity. We used each and every moment trying to assure ourselves that we
belonged to each other yet we were always uncertain. Always suspicious.
What worse could have happened? You would have fallen in love with someone
else and I would have with some other man. What would have happened next? As
the initial honeymoon period of that love would have faded away we would have
realized that something is missing. The connection. Think for yourself when was
the last time you barred your soul in front of someone to the extent that you
were not ashamed of doing anything in front of them? Was it me or someone else?
When was the last time you could tell someone precisely how you felt in words
that you knew wouldn't matter? Was it me or someone else? I have a place in
your life , your heart, your body like no one else. A place that is solely mine
and shall remain unclaimed. The exact same goes for your position in my life.
We may love again, go naked and make out with anyone else. But to bare the
secrets we hold in our heart would be difficult.
We simply forgot that love knows no conditions nor does it have demands or
just plain aggressiveness. We behaved as if all our etiquette were taken away
from us.
Heetesh and Kanikaa got back after one year. Kanikaa had another
relationship so did Heetesh but today when I saw them again they had the same
fire, the same passion, the same love and even more in their eyes than ever
before. Maybe it took them a year to understand that perhaps they can't live
without each other.
Sometimes all it takes is some little time to understand what we require
and what we want.
We have to move away. There is no way out of this turmoil. We have to quit
it because it is ugly. This is not for what we entered each other's lives. We
need love and not the hatred that has seeped in. It might take days, months
even years or forever to understand if we want and require each other.
I have dreams so do you. They differ. But does that mean we'll undermine
the sheer possibility of making them come true?Why do we have to compete with
each other's dreams? Why couldn't we support them. Why did our insecurities
take better of our love and leave the bitter.? My feelings for you are intense
and now I cannot refuse to acknowledge them rather I have to or else they'll
consume me. I love you. Yes I again
admit that after days of not talking to you. I LOVE YOU. But that does not mean
we have to tie a knot now. Yes I have been particularly crazy about marrying
you because I have always dreamt of calling something mine. Only mine. And I
thought it can be you. But because I can see it clearly you don't want to be
one , it will be someone else but does that mean I should stop loving you?
Even if it does I can't. It is not in my control. And that is why I went
away and distanced myself. I can't see you getting any worse. I can't see you
disrespecting me. You said I look sad, Yes I do because that is what has
remained after so many evil fights we have. I am wearing out every moment. My
heart is scared to invest anymore.
Let me leave with an image of yours that I can save in my heart and reminisce over when I am older. I want that image to be of a loving man.
Someone who would never leave my side. You are that someone to me. It is
difficult to live without you but it is more difficult to live with you. You
reside in me yet there is a void.
You need to know that we have loved a lot, its time to let each other go
and invade our spaces with other things so that either we realize that we need
each other or we find something that makes us realize why we don't need each
other. Something of the two will happen.
Take care.
I send your heart to you. And I am taking back mine. The memories are at
your disposal. Keep them or erase them. It is your wish. Call it my
overconfidence but I know my place shall remain unconquered for the next 2 years.
Maybe after that someone can but not atleast for the next two years.
I want you to succeed anyhow. You are not in my wishes but in some unsaid
prayers.
Let us dream, let us rejoice for after some years it will be too late to
find time to do so.
Yours in my own kind of way
She hit the send button hoping this would ease the pain she felt.
