The Silence she Adorned

The sunlight entered the room unabashedly from the window knowing it was an unwelcome visitor that morning. It fell straight on her face registering its presence and marking its victory. She pulled the blanket over her face and slept again. This time her alarm clock conspired to break her sleep. She stretched her arms and sat in bed trying to tie her hair in a bun. She looked for her slippers but could only see one and she decided not to wear any and turned towards the bathroom door.

“Saturdays are supposed to be lazy. Why did I have to ruin my peace and tell the old lady that I’ll get her groceries. These random acts of kindness and my absolute stupidities. Never the less every time I do something good I am bringing more positivity so lets just not ponder over it much and get ready”, she thought.

She took a hasty bath and pulled over a loose T shirt and her trackpants. She glanced in the mirror once before leaving. She patted the hair that came out of her head in weird angles.

“Hey good morning granny”, she joyfully went and pulled her into a warm hug.

She hummed on her way to the grocery store. It was a sunny day yet the sunlight wasn’t that harsh. She beamed with joy seeing almost no crowd in the grocery store. Picking all the green vegetables, and the red ones and also the brown and the violet ones she lifted her bucket. And the lemons in her hands went rolling by. She ran after them only to collide into someone else. She apologised.

There stood a man who looked at her not shifting his gaze even once. She felt a little uncomfortable with his constant gaze. She turned around and almost in a moment it dawned upon her who he was. She stood stiff in her place as waves of memories created ripples in her heart. Had it been the year of 2011 she would have hugged him hard and told him how she missed him but then it was the year of 2014. Three years since she left him.

She did not turn back, not because she was afraid but because there was no reason to turn around. She left him because she fell in love with another man, a man who she still was madly in love, who gave her existence the meaning she searched for all her life and who was the reigning king of her heart even when he was not a part of her life anymore.

She knew it very well that even if she turned around and looked at him it would not evoke any feelings in her and she was very sure about it because somehow in these 3 years someone had filled her with so much love that there was possibly no space left for anything else. But she did not want to trade her loyalty for something as trivial as a look of her ex which anyways would have failed to give her anything. It is not that she never felt anything for him but she also knew it very well it was not love that she shared with him. It was attraction, an adolescent relationship.

She was going through a rough patch in her present relationship with the man whom she claimed to love more than anything. They had stopped talking now  and their relationship had hit the downfall that perished the pristine bond they had. but just hours ago she was so sure that she had moved on, not with another man but with life. She knew she was happy with the way her life was going and had made peace with the fact that he would be a part of her love if not her life. But know seeing her ex she felt an overwhelming urge to have the man she loved by her side holding his hand so that she could have looked deep in his eyes and perhaps the presence of anyone would have ceased to matter but then the reality was that she was alone and the responsibility was solely on her shoulders. As of now she alone represented her relationship and life. This one incident made her realize the feelings she was trying to overpower and that came gushing back. Her intensifying love for a man who was miles away quite oblivious to the turmoil her heart was in now, was scaring her. But it was a comfort to know that her heart finally belonged to someone.

She went ahead, paid the bill and moved out smiling. She felt free. All these three years she wondered if she would lose all her control if she saw her ex. She contemplated if seeing her ex will alter her feelings for her present man. Yes they did alter the feelings, her feelings for the man in her life intensified. She thought would her man behave the same way if he got into a similar situation?

And that is when it hit her hard, perhaps he won’t or maybe he would, she was not sure. But then was his loyalty towards her a reward she was asking for in return for her loyalty towards him?

Loyalty is not a competition neither it is a reward. It is an unsaid promise which usually people fail to keep yet they want the other person to comply to all its conditions without any questions.

She thought of calling him. But then she was sceptical. Would he believe that she did not turn back? Or perhaps he would accuse her of infidelity that she did not even commit. He would make his own version of the story and would believe that wherein she would have slept with her ex and then planning to two time on him. She knew that is what exactly was going to happen. He also did not trust him.

And that was the only problem with their relationship. They did not trust each other. She was tired of proving her love and even more tired of asking for him to prove his. They both knew they loved each other but none was ready to even share a part of breath of the other with even the atmosphere. They were madly in love but too immature to believe each others love. She left only because she was tired of fighting with him over issues so trivial. The bond they shared was perishing before her eyes and she had no option other than to leave or else her love would have slipped away.

Her silence was an after effect of the decision she took. His bruised ego did not allow him to speak to her either. Their silence was the most treacherous journey they undertook in their relationship. It was more fatal than their vicious words. But then today she again chose her silence because she knew her words will only worsen the situation. But she still thanked God for what ever happened at least she was sure that there was one man whom she could love beyond the boundaries and namesakes of a relationship.

She kept the bag of grocery and went to her room. She took out her diary and began to write thinking if only he could know how much she loved him.

12000 kilometers far away a guy muttered in his dreams “You know how much I love you.”

His love lived far from him yet closed in his heart.