Will she ever be the same?

Nooooo..... She woke up screaming, sweating in the controlled temperature of her AC. She heaved a sigh of relief knowing she was at her home.

“Who turned off the lights in Sara’s room”, the voice of her mother boomed in the hallways.

“Are you okay sweety? I am right here. You don’t need to worry”, she petted her forehead.

Feeling a warm sensation on her bed she removed her blankets only to discover that she had wet her bed once again. Embarrassed and helpless she looked at her mother who appeared calm and composed not giving a second glance to the soiled bedsheet.

“Its okay beta. You go and change, I will change the bedding. It’s not a big deal. Would you like some warm milk?”

Sara without a word moved towards her bathroom. She switched on the shower and stood below it not even caring to remove her clothes. She stared at the full length mirror infront of her , her favourite mirror where she spent hours trying to put up different hairstyles and makeup. Today the mirror showed someone else.

“This is not me. I am not this. How can I wet my bed? No No No”,  she sat down bringing her feet closer to her body, she wept. Her stifled screams drowned by the shower. Nobody could hear her screams today just like that day. She wept and wept.

Outside, her mother changed the bedding when she discovered a little blood on the white sheet. Mortified she called the doctor telling her what had happened.

“Mrs. Mehra it happens. There are some internal injuries. Please bring her tomorrow to my clinic. I have to run several tests. Don’t worry trust me I have seen cases like these before. She’ll be fine. All we need is a little patience and lots of love.”

She clutched the curtains, she was sobbing.  She did not know what to do, never in life she felt so helpless and angry at the same time. She felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Sara’s father. Even his eyes were brimming with tears.

“Trust God. Everything will be fine”, he hugged her hard. They both cried.

Bedwetting was a common problem for kids but Sara, she was not a kid. She was a 22 year old fully grown woman. A woman who had not even once, in her childhood, wet her bed.

Sara was an outshining person. She personified happiness for everyone around. A perfect scholar, beauty with brains was the title she got when she ended her college. Doing her Masters from the best university, she was the shinning star of the house. But everything changed in a matter of a few hours.

She was returning from her classes one evening  and on the lonely stretch her car broke down. She called up home and asked her brother to come up who was busy talking to his fiancée.

By the time he reached the car. He found Sara gagged up in the last seat of her car, naked and bleeding from her privates. Her eyes were  tied with the shirt she wore to college and her legs and hands tied with her torn up trousers.  He shouted on the top of his voice which only echoed back.

When Sara opened her eyes, she was home. That was a mere corpse that had been brought home. She refused to speak, eat or let anyone except her mother in her room. She would not close her eyes and kept the lights turned on even in the day. Even the sight of a male would make her yell and shout and run for covers. She did not even  let her father enter the room she was living in. She became paranoid. She would wake up screaming in the night and would sob continuously. Nobody knew what happened that day. Her friends came  but she did not let anyone in her room. She refused to take her clothes down even while bathing. For a complete month she just laid in bed, staring at the ceiling fan. It scared her mother. Sara did not even blink her eyes for minutes. What happened in that one hour?Yes, she was raped but what happened every minute after that was a bigger ordeal.

“Sara, Vivek has been coming for  every single day past two months. He desperately wants to talk to you. Would you like to meet him?”

“Ask him to go away. I do not wish to talk to anyone.”

Vivek entered the room the next second. Vivek was Sara’s boyfriend of 5 years.

“You can’t refuse to talk to me. It's not just about you Sara. For how long will you stay locked up in this damned room of yours? Have you lost all sense? What had to happen has already happened now. For how long will you punish yourself for it? Don’t you have to go to college? What about your exams? Stop victimizing yourself. God damn it!!!”

“Leave”, Sara spoke with her voice ice cold.

Vivek was on the verge of tears. He went near her and held Sara’s hand. She flinched with his touch tried pushing him away.

“Sara look at me. I am Vivek, your love. Look at me. I am not going to hurt you. Have I ever done that? No na... Listen to me baby I am here to be with you. You know I love you. And more than that I know you love me. Stop hurting yourself. You know your brother called his marriage off because he thought all this happened because he did not reach on time. He is also punishing himself every moment. Your dad has left no stones unturned to find out who those bastards were. You refuse to speak about it. Ok don’t tell me. At least tell the police. How are we supposed to let them free? You need to grow out of this.”

She pushed him away.

“What Vivek what love? Were you there when they held me like a hostage clawing my body, biting me as if I was a piece of flesh? When they burnt me with cigarettes? I refuse to speak. Yes, I refuse! What should I tell people? They are gone, long gone. You can’t find them and even if you do will this event be erased from my body and mind? I feel like pouring acid all over my body. The scars on my body make me feel disgusted. Those bite marks, scratches, they make me feel sick. I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I feel the same darkness that I felt when my eyes were forcibly closed and tied with my very own shirt. That one hour was just physical pain but ever since then I have been dying. Every moment passes in  self pity. And now you are coming and giving me this sympathy? That you love me? Bullshit? Who would  love a girl who has been raped? You wanted to be my first, right? See, I am no more a virgin and who took my virginity? Some bloody rapist!! What did I do to deserve this? Was I wearing anything revealing? Was I inviting unwanted attention? What did I do?”

Sara was shouting at the top of her voice. For a moment even Vivek stood still. He did not have answers but he refused to quit.

“Sara I am your first baby. Forget this nightmare. Yes I wasn’t there when I should have. I am sorry Sara. Stop doing this to yourself. We’d find the best of counselors. Everything will be just fine. You will have to trust me and your family. Its not just difficult for you. See your father. You did not allow him once in this room. He is so pained seeing you in pain. When you are asleep he keeps standing at this door looking at you. He calls himself a failure as a father because he couldn’t protect you.  Sara you tell me if anyone had the slightest idea would they have not come to rescue? Did you know that this is going to happen?”

“I do not know. I do not even want to think. I have given upon life. I will never be the same.”

“ You are still the same for us. You mean everything to us. Just don’t give up yet. Don’t refuse the help. We want you back as you were. Please help yourself”

Every year so many girls are raped. We all talk about the gruesome happenings of a rape, its brutality but some how its aftermath go unnoticed. What a girl goes through after the rape is even more painful. Rape not only disfigures the body but also the soul. We need to accept the survivors and show them love and concern because they deserve it!

The Heartless Boss

“Ma’am  I’ll be requiring 15 days of leave. It is my wedding next Thursday. Here is the card. Please do come”, Maahi squealed like a frenzied teenager  handing her over a bright crimson card.

“Calm down Maahi. Congratulations! Your leave is granted but be back by the end of this leave. No extension will be given and enjoy your wedding.”  Her voice reflected the same demeanour like that of a board room meeting. No joy,  devoid of emotions and an expressionless face.

"Why can’t she ever smile and be happy? Such an old grumpy boss", Maahi went out muttering to herself.

Kritika Mahajan , Vice President, ANG Limited, the nameplate on her door was enough to make employees gasp and pray before entering her room. She personified dominance and power for those working below her. Not a single soul had seen her smiling or laughing. She was a walking timetable. Her craving for precision was equal to that of a diabetic craving sweets. She couldn’t tolerate delays even if they required working on endless shifts. Her personal life was more of a mystery to people around her. She was very secretive about her life, no Facebook profile, no Whatsapp messenger, just a plain email id kritika@ags.com. Anyone who wanted to contact her had to email her. Her mobile number was also not known to many. Earlier, people were curious, slowly their interest faded away like her youth. Nobody cared if she was single or not. She was paying them and that is all that mattered to them.

She closed her eyes and exhaled. She wondered why people got so excited about marriages. What a waste of time and money she thought it to be. Her train of thoughts had started and for once she did not want it to stop.

“Why do these girls get married so early? They study for so long and then get married and their vision gets distracted. They stop working with their full potential. Why can’t they stay independent? They all need a man to validate their existences. Men... testosterone charged species, good for nothing. Huh! So many men work under me, they don’t even know the basics. Family is such a misleading word. Everyone is selfish. There is nothing like a family. How do I care? Let them do what they want. If they under perform I’ll fire them. Such a gaudy color for a card! What is it ? A circus invite? Well nothing less than that. Ladies will be dipped in makeup looking like clowns wearing backless navel revealing sarees in this bone shivering cold, dancing like they have been administered with drugs. And the bride and the groom will stand like statues in Madame Tussads Museum passing fake smiles to the photographers calculating all the money the guests are bringing. Almost 90 percent people don’t care about who is getting married, they come for food and these idiots believe that they have come for blessing them.Ahhhh!!!! Useless customs and wastage ...."

Her alarm rang,

“Shit I have a meeting, I should revise my notes. These useless things wasted so much of my time. She dumped the card in the dustbin. The word marriage made her cringe her nose", she was happy single, she kept telling herself.

The day went by in meetings and conferences. With her head submerged deep into her files and paperwork, her life had almost turned mechanical.

She entered her home late in the evening. Turning on the lights, everything was as she left: Perfect! No dust, no socks or briefs lying anywhere, no toys.
"Ahh! How do these ladies live with their husbands and kids, they create such havoc in the homes making it look like a place that had been struck by an earthquake. I am blessed that I live alone." Her heart secretly  ached but with time she had controlled her emotions to a level that she felt only what she wanted to. She forced herself to hum and sing on her way to kitchen.

“So what shall I cook tonight? Pasta? Pizza? Ummm.... leave it I’ll have bread and milk. What to cook for one individual. I am lucky I don’t have to come back home and cook for an entire family. What a pain it would be. Keep working in office and then come home and work like a maid. I am a queen in my home.”

She loved cooking but she was tired of cooking for herself and with no one to praise her cooking. All these years she kept re-assuring herself that living a life alone was always a better option. She had reasons for everything but deep down she knew she couldn’t reason her heart so she just stopped listening to it. This heart of hers had given her enough sufferings to teach her a lesson for a lifetime.

Taking her bowl of milk , she sat in front of her TV casually flipping the channels. She preferred news channels to daily soaps because watching daily soaps felt so stupid and useless but she knew why she actually avoided them. They showed her the life of a perfect family. A family that she wanted to have once. They made her uncomfortable so she chose to show everyone that she found them utter gross because she did not want people to know that yes at times she felt incomplete and lonely with no one to share her perfect life with. Every time this thought occurred to her and she would shrug it off like a bad memory.

“ I don’t need anyone, I am self sufficient. I am good with no tension or stress. I have chosen this life. It is not imposed on me. I can get any man I want. It is just that I don’t like all this family and commitment thing”, she always told her colleagues the same lines whenever they advised her to settle down .

She knew in her heart that it was a sheer lie. She could get any man but the one want she wanted to be with, left her. He left her alone when they both planned to elope. He left without telling her, he gave no reasons, no excuses, not even a chance so that she could get angry. That day was a memory she never want to be nostalgic about yet it haunted her every day and night. She had a happy family once which she chose to leave only for him. She knew she had put everything on stake but at that moment nothing mattered. She wanted many kids, a perfect happy family, her niche. All her dreams came crashing down that very day. She questioned herself, she could not figure out what did she lack, where did she go wrong, why did he leave, and yet she never got her answers.

She did not want to be heartless but then the struggle beyond that day made her so. It took just one man to change the way she was. And now she  was afraid to give another man the chance to change her. Change was inevitable but till date she had done her best to avoid it. There were times when she wanted to be comforted but she chose to keep mum. She accustomed herself to live alone.

She avoided pain by not investing in someone but she did not know the pain was within her! Slaying her yet driving her!

The Other Woman

“It is not my fault that we fell in love. I was equally helpless. You knew the truth, you had a choice. I did not. You lured me into loving you and now when I have no escape you are telling me that it is a mistake. Did I love you for any reason? I was naive. I thought love comes to us when it is destined to. You are my first love and you knew that. I have held upon you like a lifeline, like that little strand of hope and yet you chose to cut it off without even thinking how heartbreaking it will be for me.”

She kept speaking in a flow and eventually her words were drowned by her sobs. I wanted a lazy, relaxed evening and that was the reason I chose CCD for a nice coffee to escape from the everyday bickering of life. But alas, maybe I was not destined to have my peace. I rose a little from my seat and then sank again in its plush leather. Last time when I extended a helping hand to a lady she glared at me asking me to mind my own business. Well, I should have rather concentrated on my coffee but time and again my eyes darted towards the sobbing demure. She appeared so shattered. I could see myself in her.

*20 years ago*

"Please don’t go. Think about our little daughter. What will I do without you?" I held his leg firmly crying out aloud. He shrugged me away.

"We both are poles apart. I have developed feelings for Shanaya. I will send the divorce papers in a week."

"What is that she has and I don’t?"

"Look at yourself for once. What are you? A mere housewife! She is educated, matches my standards, young, beautiful, poised and you a rustic housewife", he roared.

He left with his belongings and also left a broken shattered inconsolable wife.

"I was the same when you married me. I gave up my career because your parents were ill."
Her voice echoed back from the walls. He was gone.

“Ma'am shall I remove the cup?”

The voice of the waiter brought me back to the reality. I ordered another coffee and almost involuntarily my eyes again drifted to the girl. She was still sobbing. It's now or never. There is nothing to lose. I gathered myself up and went and sat next to her.

And maybe that is when she realized that she was in a public cafe. She regained her composure almost instantly.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes I am perfectly fine. Thank you for asking.”

“I am sorry but I overheard your conversation. I am not here to give you any sympathy but I am here to tell you that it is okay if he chooses to leave you. It's his loss. My husband also left me for another woman 20 years back.”

She blinked her tears away. With a quivering voice she spoke ,"Would you still be sitting here if I told you that I am the other woman in this case?”

I was numb. For years I had harboured such intense hatred for women who broke homes, who caused families to separate for their vested interests and today my heart was going out for one. I knew how it felt to be abandoned. I was estranged by my husband only six years after my marriage. All my feelings came rushing back to me. But then this girl she appeared so fragile, so broken. After my long silence I spoke , “Why on the Earth did you choose a man who already belonged to someone else?”

“Ma’am it was not my choice. Though my story might seem another sympathy attractor but I grew up as an orphan, worked very hard all my life. There was no one who was overjoyed when I got a distinction, no one when I got graduated, no one to feel proud when I got my first job in a leading MNC. No one till the date I met him. He was my immediate boss. The first day I met him was at my office. Suave, smart, a debonair straight out of  the Mills and Boon books. But I knew, I was nothing. Nothing in comparison to him. But maybe love doesn't seek perfection. It is made to fill voids that make us incomplete. He used to smile from his cubicle daily whenever I looked up from my desk. My heart started weaving dreams even before I knew. His voice made me feel weak in my knees. And then one day he asked me out. It was the most beautiful day of my life. In between the conversation I told him the truth of my life and he listened, patiently. I felt naked with every word I spoke. For the first time I was letting my heart speak. All pain and frustration in my voice was flowing from my eyes. That was the night that he promised to share my loneliness. What else could I have asked for? I never questioned him if he did not return my calls, or did not meet me for days or did not make our relationship public. He had his reasons and I had faith in him. For the first time I was feeling loved. How could have I questioned him? He was already giving my dreams the reality I had always wished for. Until one day when my colleague suspected something fishy and enquired about it. My lips were lying but somehow my face gave out the truth. He was married and had 2 kids. My entire world came crashing down. My dreams, my reality, my hopes and my fears all piled on the heap of guilt. I was going to be the reason for breaking someone else’s family. You tell me ma’am who would know it better than me what it feels to lose your family? Saying I felt guilty would be an understatement to what I actually felt. I was crushed. I needed him badly. I had no one to call my own except him yet I did not have power to confront him and break his family. To be a house breaker is no one’s dream.  To be the other woman in someone’s life feels degrading. I fell in my own eyes. For nights I kept debating with myself whether I should confront him or not. Every night I fell asleep praying that tomorrow when I wake up it ends like a nightmare but every morning I was swept with guilt and remorse. I was shocked that I wasn’t feeling angry or cheated. And then one day I confronted him. He told me he and his wife are incompatible and he is filing for a divorce. Yet I could not reason him out. Because I did not want to question him. I did not want to lose him. And above all I was selfish. He called me today to say that he won’t exit my life but he can’t even divorce his wife. I do not want to be his mistress. I want a family that I can call my own. But he did not understand that. He never will. I loved him with everything I had and I ended up being nothing at all.”

She started crying again.

“Oh my God. You should file a case against him. It’s not your fault. It is not.” My own words surprised me. Was I  actually saying that to a woman who broke someones house? No I was saying that to a little girl who was deceived in love. She did not want to break his family. I kept cursing that man in my mind.

“How can a file a case against a man who gave me the happiest moments in my life? I am carrying his kid in my womb. I don’t know what to do. If I bring it to life it will be called a bastard child which I will never be able to justify. But if I kill it then I will lose the only memoir of my relationship. I think I should accept being his mistress. At least he will be in my life.  I know he’ll be cheating on his wife which I do not want but do I have a choice?”

“I am sorry but my child don’t ruin your life. Abort this child. Go to a new city. Re start your life. I have a daughter of my own. If something like this would have happened to her I would have given the same advice. By God’s grace she is happy and I want the same for you. She got a perfect husband and I want you to do the same.If you choose to be his mistress you will always be crushed in your life and so will your child be. Don’t do that. Why do you want to degrade yourself to that level when you can be the wife of a respectable man?”

“Aunty I guess you are right. I was just thinking about myself. Not once did it register my mind that will my child be able to bear this. I can’t punish my child for the sins that I have been committing. Not for once did I....

Suddenly my phone started ringing.

“Mummy its me Ritu.”

I was stunned listening to her voice. She appeared to have been crying and driving.

“Maa Ritesh is a cheat. He cheated upon me. Smriti his junior it is. And that is happening past one year. I am coming back home. You were right all men are.........

Suddenly there was screeching of tyres, horns and shrieks!!

"Ritu Ritu Ritu speak up", I shouted with all my might.

“What happened aunty?”

“Hello do you know whose number is this?”

“Yes yes she is my daughter. What happened? Is she okay?”

“Please reach army hospital next to Rathpur road.”

I started trembling. My own little daughter is struggling for her life. I was crying.

“Aunty what happened? Are you okay?”

“My my daughter met an accident.Army hospital now, I panted while I spoke.”

“Aunty let's go I have a car.”

All through the way I kept praying for the safety of my daughter. Ritesh how could he do this!! My daughter trusted him so much. How could he? Why God why the same fate for my daughter.

We reached the hospital. Ritu was in ICU. But out of danger.

“Aunty I am leaving. I have made up my mind. I am leaving.”

I blessed her with all my heart. I thanked her profusely for bringing me to the hospital.

“Aunty you changed my life. I can never thank you enough.”

She left. But a paper went flying out of her purse. I rushed to grab it. I shouted her name so many times but she had already gone. I turned it

Smriti Misra

Consulatant

Ebay services

0973537889

The paper fell from my hands. Did I just bless the girl because of whom my daughter was in ICU?

Though I know she has left Ritesh but now I wouldn’t let my daughter be with that man. But he said he could not divorce Ritu for Smriti. That meant he loved her. But he did cheat on her. I know how loneliness feels but then living with someone who is willing to cheat you is that worth it?

My questions had no answers.

“Who is with patient number 780?”

I walked towards her room hiding the secret of her husband and his love. I wish I did not want that relaxing cup of coffee. Smriti wasn’t wrong but then Ritu is my daughter. My choice is also tough.