A Letter To My love

Dear love

I do not know whether this deserves a letter or not. There have been so many emails in and out, harsh and loud , sweet and soft that perhaps you'll skim your eyes through this one without even knowing how essential it is for you, for me , for everything we have had in the past 2 years 3 months and 21 days.

This is firstly not a love letter, not a hate letter, not a reconciliation nor a threat. Moreover it requires a certain kind of devotion while you read it, so basically do not read it if you lack time. You will get nothing out of it. You'll have to read between the lines at some places, experience what I am experiencing now and yes most importantly drop your ego and anger and accept it with peace. It takes time to do that so you can revisit this letter later when you actually have attained the pre requisites.

Here I will not debate what went wrong or what went right between the two of us. It has been discussed over and over again so many times that we both have a list ready to smash into each other's face with our grudges written over shamelessly. So now we need to know why in the first place it happened. To call it destiny is one way. We both were not seeking love. But then we entered the relationship and discovered that we can love each other with a passion that can bring our world to a halt. We were insanely in love to the point that days like Sundays felt a mere punishment. We were so in ourselves that everything else ceased to matter. Our entire focus was on "us", and our love. We were drowning in passion. Once the initial euphoria gave away. We felt a need to stabilize and with that came a need to possess. Until then we were just loving and after that we started fighting. It was all because instead of loving we wanted to possess each other's soul, body and thoughts. The mere fact that someone else might have a fraction of any of these infuriated our souls to the point that we were ready to give upon everything even our love but not the fact that what we have is ours. We became possessive, territorial( I recently found insecure was a wrong word and because I am sure you would have been checking my wall, I guess you know why it is wrong)

Our fights grew. Our longing to protect what was ours was taking over our sanity. We used each and every moment trying to assure ourselves that we belonged to each other yet we were always uncertain. Always suspicious.

What worse could have happened? You would have fallen in love with someone else and I would have with some other man. What would have happened next? As the initial honeymoon period of that love would have faded away we would have realized that something is missing. The connection. Think for yourself when was the last time you barred your soul in front of someone to the extent that you were not ashamed of doing anything in front of them? Was it me or someone else? When was the last time you could tell someone precisely how you felt in words that you knew wouldn't matter? Was it me or someone else? I have a place in your life , your heart, your body like no one else. A place that is solely mine and shall remain unclaimed. The exact same goes for your position in my life. We may love again, go naked and make out with anyone else. But to bare the secrets we hold in our heart would be difficult.

We simply forgot that love knows no conditions nor does it have demands or just plain aggressiveness. We behaved as if all our etiquette were taken away from us.

Heetesh and Kanikaa got back after one year. Kanikaa had another relationship so did Heetesh but today when I saw them again they had the same fire, the same passion, the same love and even more in their eyes than ever before. Maybe it took them a year to understand that perhaps they can't live without each other.

Sometimes all it takes is some little time to understand what we require and what we want.

We have to move away. There is no way out of this turmoil. We have to quit it because it is ugly. This is not for what we entered each other's lives. We need love and not the hatred that has seeped in. It might take days, months even years or forever to understand if we want and require each other.

I have dreams so do you. They differ. But does that mean we'll undermine the sheer possibility of making them come true?Why do we have to compete with each other's dreams? Why couldn't we support them. Why did our insecurities take better of our love and leave the bitter.? My feelings for you are intense and now I cannot refuse to acknowledge them rather I have to or else they'll consume me.  I love you. Yes I again admit that after days of not talking to you. I LOVE YOU. But that does not mean we have to tie a knot now. Yes I have been particularly crazy about marrying you because I have always dreamt of calling something mine. Only mine. And I thought it can be you. But because I can see it clearly you don't want to be one , it will be someone else but does that mean I should stop loving you?

Even if it does I can't. It is not in my control. And that is why I went away and distanced myself. I can't see you getting any worse. I can't see you disrespecting me. You said I look sad, Yes I do because that is what has remained after so many evil fights we have. I am wearing out every moment. My heart is scared to invest anymore.

Let me leave with an image of yours that I can save in my heart and reminisce over when I am older. I want that image to be of a loving man. Someone who would never leave my side. You are that someone to me. It is difficult to live without you but it is more difficult to live with you. You reside in me yet there is a void.

You need to know that we have loved a lot, its time to let each other go and invade our spaces with other things so that either we realize that we need each other or we find something that makes us realize why we don't need each other. Something of the two will happen.

Take care.

I send your heart to you. And I am taking back mine. The memories are at your disposal. Keep them or erase them. It is your wish. Call it my overconfidence but I know my place shall remain unconquered for the next 2 years. Maybe after that someone can but not atleast for the next two years.

I want you to succeed anyhow. You are not in my wishes but in some unsaid prayers.

Let us dream, let us rejoice for after some years it will be too late to find time to do so.

Yours in my own kind of way

She hit the send button hoping this would ease the pain she felt.

Regret and Revenge

She pulled the trigger with all her force. The gunshot went and pierced his head. He fell down in the pool of blood. The sound of the shot was still ringing in her ears. It was so loud that she had turned momentarily deaf. Her knees wobbled like jelly. She collapsed on the ground, shivering.

She took off her gloves and stuffed them into her bag. She looked around for any sign of her belongings. She smiled at her planning tactics. Nobody will ever find out who killed this bastard. Nobody. She had alibis everywhere. Even if they did, she wouldn't be having any regrets. She wanted justice, she got it. She drove at a maddening speed to her mansion. She took a bath and wore a black dress. She bought two bunches of fresh roses and made way to the cementary.

She put down the first bunch on a grave covered with mosses and ferns.

"Your love for gardening will never go away. Right?"

She placed the flowers and sat next to the grave.

"You know what I killed him. I am not afraid. But you know I am still angry. I failed as a mother. Hmmm... It is a bit lonely without you. There are times when I want to wrap my arms around you and feel your warmth. I want to pull your tie and look into your eyes and romance with you. How stupid am I? When you were there I rarely looked up from my file. It is pointless to say all this but know that I miss you."

She ruffled the grass on the top of his grave. The greenery fed from her tears . She took a deep breath and placed the other bunch on the grave next to it.

"How is my little princess doing? Mia I miss you beta. You could have just told mumma once. I would have left everything. Why did you not trust mumma? I know I ask you this question everytime but I need an answer Mia. Mumma requires an answer. Mumma did not spare that man and remember I gave him the worst death that was possible. Had you told me once I would have still killed him but atleast you would have been with me. Your room feels so quiet. Nobody listens to rock songs. Leave it today is a happy day , no sad thoughts. See what mumma has brought for you. Red roses. You love them na? Even your dad did. Mia is there anything else that you are hiding from me? "

She broke into sobs. She felt a hand on her shoulder. An old lady smiled to her.

"It will be fine. They are with God. He'll take good care of them", she spoke with love in her voice.

She stood up. And went towards the gate. She saw the old lady waiting for something.

"Do you need a ride back home?"

"Well that would be lovely. Just drop me by the church."

She sank in the sofa staring at the portrait of her once happy family. Her husband and her daughter. Her husband died in a car accident few years ago. Mia couldn't bear the loss of her father.

She became workaholic. She spent most of her time in meetings and files. She knew Mia needed her but she also knew that she needed to provide her with a comfortable future. Unable to cope up with the pressure Mia was found hanging from the fan.

She was shattered. Everyone blamed it on her father's death and the negligent behaviour of the mother. If only she knew that Mia would take such a step. Many at times she would come late and find Mia sleeping blissfully in her room. She felt defeated. By destiny and kept on blaming it on herself.

One fine evening while she was cleaning Mia's wardrobe she found a diary.

23 March

He again came and patted me on my head. His hand slithered on my back and made its way inside my top. I wanted to move away but he held me tight. His devilish smile. I wanted mum to come early but I knew she wouldn't. He kept touching me again and again.

She flipped the pages.

27 March

He was standing at the door. He did not let me leave. He pushed me down...

The rest of the words were blurred perhaps the ink diluted with her daughter's tears.

14 April

I can't take it anymore. I think I am pregnant. How will I tell mum? I missed my periods. I searched online. What will all my friends think? But one day I will take revenge Mr. Manorath Kripashankar. I will.

She closed the diary. Her daughter was a victim of sexual abuse.

"Manorath? How could he do it? I trusted him so much."

Manorath was a political leader in the district who helped her when her husband died. He was like her elder brother. But then her daughter had to pay for the trust she put into a person who deserved none.

She vowed revenge. "Mia was alone Manorath so am I but this time you'll know what a woman is capable of doing."

She started making advances towards Manorath on the pretense of lonliness. Manorath being a lewd pig fell for it instantly. She spent months planning her revenge skillfully without any flaws. She awaited the final day like a tigress awaiting her final kill.

Manorath poured a glass of wine for her.

"Ah! You look so lovely. But these gloves don't match the dress. Some new fashion?"

She smiled. She lured him in to a weekend escapade without bringing it in knowledge of anyone. In an isolated farm house they dined together.

He started coughing violently grasping his throat.

"I can't breathe."

His chest heaved and beads of sweat formed on his forehead.

"Feeling suffocated Manorath", she questioned and then laughed hysterically.

"What the hell are you upto? Call the ambulance."

"My daughter felt the same everytime your slithering motives and moves progressed in her direction. Don't worry it wouldn't last long. You'll die in like half an hour. It is a slow poison. Till then let me enjoy seeing you wither and dance in pain. You spineless man. Mia was just 15. You could have got any prostitute on your bed, why my daughter? I trusted you but then trust doesn't always pay, does it? You did trust me as well."

All color drained from his face. Nothing was said. He knew he wouldn't be spared.

He started frantically moving towards the alarm board. Panicking she took out the gun and shot. This was not in her plan but then he had to die either ways.  She sighed.

"Life isn't fair. Someday we all have to pay for the sins we commit. I loved my family. But then I never thought I'll get no time to spend with them. How effortlessly I believed that I'll spend the rest of my life with them. Life is cruel. Life is smart. It teaches you all the lessons the harsh way."

"Mia I am sorry."