The Silence she Adorned

The sunlight entered the room unabashedly from the window knowing it was an unwelcome visitor that morning. It fell straight on her face registering its presence and marking its victory. She pulled the blanket over her face and slept again. This time her alarm clock conspired to break her sleep. She stretched her arms and sat in bed trying to tie her hair in a bun. She looked for her slippers but could only see one and she decided not to wear any and turned towards the bathroom door.

“Saturdays are supposed to be lazy. Why did I have to ruin my peace and tell the old lady that I’ll get her groceries. These random acts of kindness and my absolute stupidities. Never the less every time I do something good I am bringing more positivity so lets just not ponder over it much and get ready”, she thought.

She took a hasty bath and pulled over a loose T shirt and her trackpants. She glanced in the mirror once before leaving. She patted the hair that came out of her head in weird angles.

“Hey good morning granny”, she joyfully went and pulled her into a warm hug.

She hummed on her way to the grocery store. It was a sunny day yet the sunlight wasn’t that harsh. She beamed with joy seeing almost no crowd in the grocery store. Picking all the green vegetables, and the red ones and also the brown and the violet ones she lifted her bucket. And the lemons in her hands went rolling by. She ran after them only to collide into someone else. She apologised.

There stood a man who looked at her not shifting his gaze even once. She felt a little uncomfortable with his constant gaze. She turned around and almost in a moment it dawned upon her who he was. She stood stiff in her place as waves of memories created ripples in her heart. Had it been the year of 2011 she would have hugged him hard and told him how she missed him but then it was the year of 2014. Three years since she left him.

She did not turn back, not because she was afraid but because there was no reason to turn around. She left him because she fell in love with another man, a man who she still was madly in love, who gave her existence the meaning she searched for all her life and who was the reigning king of her heart even when he was not a part of her life anymore.

She knew it very well that even if she turned around and looked at him it would not evoke any feelings in her and she was very sure about it because somehow in these 3 years someone had filled her with so much love that there was possibly no space left for anything else. But she did not want to trade her loyalty for something as trivial as a look of her ex which anyways would have failed to give her anything. It is not that she never felt anything for him but she also knew it very well it was not love that she shared with him. It was attraction, an adolescent relationship.

She was going through a rough patch in her present relationship with the man whom she claimed to love more than anything. They had stopped talking now  and their relationship had hit the downfall that perished the pristine bond they had. but just hours ago she was so sure that she had moved on, not with another man but with life. She knew she was happy with the way her life was going and had made peace with the fact that he would be a part of her love if not her life. But know seeing her ex she felt an overwhelming urge to have the man she loved by her side holding his hand so that she could have looked deep in his eyes and perhaps the presence of anyone would have ceased to matter but then the reality was that she was alone and the responsibility was solely on her shoulders. As of now she alone represented her relationship and life. This one incident made her realize the feelings she was trying to overpower and that came gushing back. Her intensifying love for a man who was miles away quite oblivious to the turmoil her heart was in now, was scaring her. But it was a comfort to know that her heart finally belonged to someone.

She went ahead, paid the bill and moved out smiling. She felt free. All these three years she wondered if she would lose all her control if she saw her ex. She contemplated if seeing her ex will alter her feelings for her present man. Yes they did alter the feelings, her feelings for the man in her life intensified. She thought would her man behave the same way if he got into a similar situation?

And that is when it hit her hard, perhaps he won’t or maybe he would, she was not sure. But then was his loyalty towards her a reward she was asking for in return for her loyalty towards him?

Loyalty is not a competition neither it is a reward. It is an unsaid promise which usually people fail to keep yet they want the other person to comply to all its conditions without any questions.

She thought of calling him. But then she was sceptical. Would he believe that she did not turn back? Or perhaps he would accuse her of infidelity that she did not even commit. He would make his own version of the story and would believe that wherein she would have slept with her ex and then planning to two time on him. She knew that is what exactly was going to happen. He also did not trust him.

And that was the only problem with their relationship. They did not trust each other. She was tired of proving her love and even more tired of asking for him to prove his. They both knew they loved each other but none was ready to even share a part of breath of the other with even the atmosphere. They were madly in love but too immature to believe each others love. She left only because she was tired of fighting with him over issues so trivial. The bond they shared was perishing before her eyes and she had no option other than to leave or else her love would have slipped away.

Her silence was an after effect of the decision she took. His bruised ego did not allow him to speak to her either. Their silence was the most treacherous journey they undertook in their relationship. It was more fatal than their vicious words. But then today she again chose her silence because she knew her words will only worsen the situation. But she still thanked God for what ever happened at least she was sure that there was one man whom she could love beyond the boundaries and namesakes of a relationship.

She kept the bag of grocery and went to her room. She took out her diary and began to write thinking if only he could know how much she loved him.

12000 kilometers far away a guy muttered in his dreams “You know how much I love you.”

His love lived far from him yet closed in his heart.

The conflict

“The electrons are then excited and they move to the next state but in order to gain stability they lose some energy and shift to the metastable state.”

The entire class was listening to the Professor with rapt attention but however hard she tried to concentrate her mind got diverted to the rambling of her stomach. She felt uneasy and dizzy. Excusing herself from the class she made her way to the washroom. Retching the contents of her stomach she felt better and more in control.

“God knows what has entered my system. I’ll skip the counselling and visit the doctor.”

She pulled out her mobile and typed a message to her best friend Miya.

*I am not well. Write an application for me and meet me at the college gate.*

Miya rushed to the college gate. Her face looked flushed and full of concern.

“Are you okay? What happened?”

“Nothing I have an upset stomach. Lets go.”

Miya prayed in her heart. She knew her friend had endured so much in the past one month that now she did  not even want her to go through an upset stomach as well.

“Please come back tomorrow to get your reports and make sure you don’t miss your counselling sessions, you need them.”

“Yes doctor”, she replied promptly.

The day passed swiftly . She decided to skip college today and collect her reports.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She entered her home, devastated. She threw the report on the bed and slumped in her bean bag. The pages of the report flew in the entire room. She sat still in her place not even bothering once to put the pages back. She punched in a number on her phone. Nobody picked up. She tried again. No response. She threw her phone.

“What are you doing here? I went to your college and Miya told me you are at home”, Raul shouted.

She sat still. He shuddered. Last he saw her sitting so still brought back all those memories. He instantly softened.

“Baby what happened?”

“I am pregnant.”

He was shocked. Entirely shocked.

“Did you not take the emergency contraceptive pill that night?”

“I did.”

“Then how is it possible?”

“There is no 100% guarantee.”

“Its okay baby. We’ll deal with this. We’ll get it aborted.”

“I want to keep the baby.”

“Do you even know what you are saying? Keep this baby? Are you out of your mind?”

“Yes I want to keep it,” sounding more determined.

“Baby think about your future. You are just 22. You have college to complete. Your entire life awaits you. Don’t take life long impaling decisions in moments of instant madness. Think about it. For once.”

“What is the fault of this baby? Why should we punish it for no fault of its own. Please Raul I want your support right now. Don’t fight with me.”

“I love you and you know that but I am not ready for this at all. This child is not coming in our lives. And that is final.”

“But why not? Raul I am going to give birth to it.”

“Enough is enough when I am telling you to abort it then do so. Simple as that. I don’t want a further argument. Choose and decide.”

“Are you asking me to choose between you and my baby?”

“For God sake what my baby shit is this.”

“You can leave.”

“What the hell? Are you telling me you’ll leave me for this god damn child of a rapist? I stood up for you all this while. I never left your side and now after everything you are doing this to me? You are not his mother. This is the memoir of the event that ruined your life. And not only your life, but your parents, your family and even my life. Do you even know how I feel? The girl I love the most got raped and I couldn’t do anything about it. I accepted this fact somehow and now you are telling me you want to have the child of that rapist? What do you think I am? A saint? I have no problems with what happened but under no circumstance am I going to support you bringing the child of that fucking man in our lives.”

“Calm down Raul. It happened with me and I am the only person who knows how it feels. Neither my parents, nor my family nor you do. And when I do not harbour any hatred for this child why are you making an issue out of it. He is not just a rapists child. It is mine as well.”

“Baby listen to me. You are very emotional right now but think about it whenever you will see this child you’ll be reminded of that night. I seriously don’t want you to undergo that pain.”

“And if I don’t see that child will I not be reminded of that night?”

“Its better to bang my head against the wall than to make you understand. I am leaving and I am making it very clear to you that I will not support you in this.”

She sat in silence. Thinking about everything that was happening.

“Maybe I am expecting too much out of Raul. Why should he back me up with this? He could have left me after that night. But asking him to support me with this, no I am being unfair towards him as well. But then I want this child. I know this is insane, outrageously stupid but I don’t know what is leading me now. At any cost I want this child.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4 Months Later

She picked up the bag full of groceries with discomfort. Her bulging stomach ached But she balanced herself.

“Let me help you.”

She turned around to find that Raul was standing, extending his hand towards her.

“No thank you. I am fine.”

She went away. All these four months Raul tried hard to convince her to change her decision. Seeing her pained his heart. But then he did not give in. He knew he loved her with or without that child. But then he did not want her to be burdened by a responsibility that was not even hers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She laid on the operation table screaming in pain. The nurses trying to pacify her. The doctor knew he could save just one.

Outside Raul was pacing up and down the corridor praying for her.

The light went off. He immediately rushed to the OT. The doctor appeared tensed.

“Can I meet her?”

“She is still very critical. We are unable to stop the internal bleeding. She might not survive.”

He waited outside cursing all Gods, cursing the new born and cursing his luck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Raul you know perhaps I won’t survive.”

“Thats rubbish, doctors are trying. You have another surgery in an hour. All would be fine.”

“Raul will you do me a favour?”

“Hmmmmmm...”

“I don’t want my child to be an orphan like me. I will not survive and I can sense that. Will you take this responsibility?”

“You have given him birth , and you better come back and take care of it. Nothing will happen to you”, he kissed her forehead.

“She could not make it”, the doctor said.

He went still. He felt numb. He couldn’t breathe. Almost suddenly he heard the cry of the baby. He felt enraged.

“Stop crying you bloody evil thing. You took her away from me. I’ll throw you, kill you or leave you in an orphanage. You don’t deserve life.”

The baby cried harder. Unable to resist he went to the crib. His eyes refusing to even look at him.

With hatred laced heart he looked at the crying baby. The eyes. The eyes of the baby resembled her eyes. He could never see those eyes in tears. Not even now. He picked the baby up and almost instantly the baby held his finger.

He felt a connection because it was her baby and he wanted to be with her always and keep her happy.

“Doctor can we have the adoption papers?”

A Teacher Once Is a Teacher Forever

The sound of horns and screeching of tyres woke her up from the deep slumber. She yawned and stretched herself. She went and made tea for herself and snuggling the hot cup full of her favourite green tea,  she made her way to the balcony. The Sun was all prepared to go to sleep now.

Every evening she stood in the balcony bidding the Sun goodbye and watching the city traffic making its move. The crowd moving with a caterpillars’ pace, people struggling to cross the roads and tired white collared people cursing the traffic.

“Everyone must be going home by now”, she thought. The feeling of going back to home after a day of hardwork is exhilarating. Everyday we slog throughout our working hours, adding value to the work we do and the mere thought of going home makes us enthusiastic. You can’t trade the peaceful ambience of your own niche with anything.

The phone rang. She rushed to grab it.

“Dadi how are you”, chirped her grand daughter from the other side.

“I am fine. How is my little princess doing? I was waiting for your call”

“Oh Dadi I get so much homework. Dadi I called to say that you should join Facebook.”

“That is for youngsters like you. What would I do?”

“Just join it, then you can see all my pictures na”, she insisted.

“Okay okay I will see.”

She again went to her balcony.

“I should have gone with them to USA. It feels so lonely out here. Since I have retired there is nothing to do. My life is nothing but on the path of slow deterioration. This boredom is eating me away. I can’t sit and watch these idiotic daily soaps showing crying wives. Neither can I tolerate these gossipmongers of the kitty parties. Having taught kids how to utilize their time , I can’t waste mine like this”, she sighed.

A group of teenagers were passing by. She was in no mood for eavesdropping on their conversation but then they were loud enough for anyone to hear.

“That math teacher of ours is good for nothing”, said one.

“He would himself fail in the paper he sets for us”, added another.

“He will pass only those who’ll attend his tuition.”

Her heart sank.

“This is what it all boils down to. We spend our entire lives trying to teach them whatever we know and these kids would not even respect us. But somewhere the problem can’t be just in the students. Even teachers now a days are not that passionate about teaching. For them it is a job. For me it was my worship. Each student of mine was a lump of wet clay for me whom I moulded as long as I could. They all have reached places but somehow I never heard from them again. We as teachers selflessly devote our lives to these students without yearning for appreciation. Appreciation does flow in but only once every year, 5th September. Rest for the entire year they will treat you with indifference. I wish students were a little more sensitive towards us. Never the less I am not a teacher anymore.”

She felt agitated. She missed teaching. That is all that she had done in her life.

She sat on her laptop and then created her Facebook account. She filled all the information and updated her profile. And sent a request to her Grand daughter. She closed the laptop and attended to her daily chores.

Late in the night she logged back again to check if her little princess had accepted her request.

“Not yet.”

But she saw there were many friend requests from different people. Some of the m she did not even recognize though the names felt oddly familiar. Another red sign was blinking in the corner of the page. It was her inbox. There were around ten messages.

“How come so many messages”, she wondered clicking them one by one.

The first was from some man named Arun

Arun (Active 2 hours ago)

8:05 pm

Good evening ma’am

Do you recognize me? You taught me in class 9^th. I am that student who brought my driver to the Parent Teacher Meeting instead of my father. Now do you remember me?

“Oh Arun. My God he has grown into a well built man.” The memory of a lean child ushering a well dressed man with no manners into her classroom came to her. She smiled thinking of the notorious child. Another memory flashed by where that same child stood next to her , his body tensed and his lips shivering, when he barely managed to speak that he flunked and had to give supplementary papers.

She typed I do remember you. On a humorous note I hope you are no more taking your driver in your meetings.

Instantly the messenger beeped

“Hahahaha Ma’am I don’t. I told my children how you saved me from all that embarrassment. Ma’am can I say something?”

“Yes go ahead.”

“Ma’am do you remember when I got those 4 supplementary papers? I came to you. Ma’am I knew nobody else would help me. You were always a saviour. I still remember the entire week when I kept testing your patience by repeatedly asking the same questions and you without a speck of annoyance kept explaining. Those 10 chapters have stayed with me all my life. My kids are very eager to meet the teacher who their Dad brags about all the time. Would you please tell us where you are these days?”

She stared at the screen. He still remembers that. Her lips contoured into a smile as she typed, “ I live in the same home. Whenever you pass by bring them along.”

“I surely will ma’am. I surely will.

She hopped onto another message which was from a girl named Sheetal.

Sheetal (Active now)

9:12pm

Hello ma’am

How are you. Ma’am it took you so long to join Facebook. I searched for you so many times. Ma’am please see the picture that I have enclosed.

She clicked on the picture. It was a passport size snap of Lord Ganesha, a little worn out picture that she had given to a girl who was scared of exams.

“You still have this?”

“Obviously ma’am. I have never ever separated myself from it . It will go to my grave along with me. Over the years it has become my lucky charm. I do not go anywhere without it. I am very sure you laced it with blessings of yours. I never felt scared after keeping this with me.”

“I am glad it helped you.”

“Ma’am teachers like you are hard to find now. My kids aren’t as lucky as me. Please open a school. I’ll send my kids there only.

She typed controlling her laughter,” Sure sure.”

 Next was a message from a man she was sure she did not know.

Riten  (Active)

9:12 pm

Good evening ma’am

I am very sure you don’t know who I am but you have brought a very lasting change in me. I was student of yours for five years but I was very introvert so perhaps I never came under limelight. In your class you taught us not only our chapters but the real value of life. You may have not realized but everyday you were bringing change by telling our subconscious the power we were not aware of. I personally idealized you in my life. I was never a very bright student or a very poor performer. I was just average. If you recall once you patted my back and said that I’ll do wonders if I put my inhibitions aside. That line stuck with me ma’am and since then I never looked back.

She was overwhelmed. Her eyes had become moist. The moment she was about to reply, it started raining heavily.

“Oh my clothes are still outside”, she rushed to the balcony. She collected her clothes and bundled them on her bed. She logged out thinking she would reply tomorrow. She wanted to seize the moment. All this evening she was thinking how worthless and unappreciated a life she lived. But these simple messages unravelled the simple magic in forms of words that touched her heart and soaked her soul with love. She never realized she was changing lives all these years just by existing. She was astonished that these kids found her and took time to message her. What surprised her more was that they told their kids about her as well.

“I am of no use to them now but still somehow I reside in the memories of so many. My life has not been wasted. These kids are just a few whom I have taught.  There are many more. And who knows they still care.”

Suddenly she felt very proud and happy.

Outside it was raining hard and she still dry and comfortable in her bed was drenched in love.

In Love With Freedom

The hard hitting rain drops had changed to a soft drizzle by then. The air in the cabin felt suffocating. She pulled out her jacket and tied her hair into a high ponytail.

Outside the weather had turned into a romantic poetry. Light drizzling, sunshine finding its way in between the parting clouds, a half rainbow and a flying seagull.

She stood gaping at the sky, wondering if it was a painting. She held the bars tight and stood on her toes to see below. Crystal clear blue water, rippling through the movement of her mini ship. She could see small fishes swimming back to their home or maybe to a new place just like her.

She held out her hands and smiled to the open nature welcoming it, embracing it in all its glory.

“This is life. Calm, serene and most importantly beautiful.”

A camera adorned her neck but somehow she did not want to take a click. She wanted the scenic beauty to create the most perfect photo on her retina whose snap shall always be a part of her memory. Surprisingly the weight of the camera did not seem as much of a burden as much once the only sign of her marriage, her mangalsutra, had felt.

She did not want to think about it. Not at least now. But the reasoning of her mind lost to the memories she had in her heart. She did not realize that it had been five years, five whooping years since she left home. The home which was never her own.

She was 21 when she got married to a man who claimed to have fallen in love with her the very moment he saw her for the first time. In a matter of merely a month they were husband and wife. The first month was a bliss, a sweet never ending honeymoon that abruptly came to a halt when during a heated conversation, he slapped her for the first time. She was outraged, shocked and to an extent scared but she preferred staying silent. Her first mistake. She assumed that maybe he got very angry and he won’t repeat his mistake. How wrong she was. In a month she knew that he was controlling and abusive. But still she thought she could make things work out. Her second mistake. She took him to various therapists but to the outside world he was near perfect, well behaved, very loving husband who made a great pair for her. Every now and then he beat her for things as absurd as talking to the neighbour. She suffered but never spoke a word to anyone about it. Her pride and her crushed self esteem did not allow her to do that. Ten years, the most beautiful ten years of her youth passed by in misery. She kept finding excuses to stay and he kept abusing her in different ways. Every love has its limits, hers had been stretched way too much. They did not have kids and he shamelessly called her barren without even getting himself checked once. She was not barren, she knew it but found it unnecessary to prove. There was anyway no one who would have listened. Staying weak for so many years, she became a volcano. A volcano that was ready to erupt.
And one fine evening it did.

He came home and found that the tea had no sugar. He threw the boiling tea at her. It scathed her arms but then stirred her soul. She got up and slapped him hard. She looked deep into his eyes and told him firmly that if he dared to touch her again she’ll call the police and get him behind the bars. The very next morning she packed her bags and left. She had earned enough in those ten years to have a decent saving. She left no note, no number, no address. For him she disappeared.

“Hey Meera would you have a cup of coffee?”, yelled her captain.

“No I am fine. Thank you.”

Since that day she pursued her love for photography. She did a short course and then started travelling, meeting people, going on excursions. Not even once did she feel tired. Or bored. Life had something new and better to offer every passing day. This journey was of them.

The salty breeze of the sea hit her nose. She inhaled deeply. She was happy and more than that she knew she was respected and adored by people around. It was difficult initially for her but then had she stayed she would have never known what life could offer. For the first time in years she was applying make up because she wanted to look beautiful and not hide bruises. She could sing to her heart’s contentment without someone telling her to shut up.

Suddenly she saw a dolphin far away in the sea, jumping out of water, diving back and moving forward as if she was dancing with joy. Her synchronised movements were like lyrics of a song, a beauty. She kept looking at it. The tiny rain drops on her face, the hazy mist, the aura of mystery and her never ending thoughts.

“Freedom gives us wings. Love that shackles away that freedom is not love. You can try very hard and fail but then staying in a position that makes you feel miserable is unfair. Sometimes you have to move out, experience life in you, bubble out joy, scream , yell, laugh, and cry but the tears should of joy. Those ten years were painful. But what followed were the most beautiful days of her life. She did not regret leaving that home. The only regret she had that it took ten years for her to make a decision, as simple as being happy, too late.”

She waved to the dolphin taking a snap.

She was smiling. She felt liberated and thankful for giving life another chance.

The Right Decision

The sea was stretched as far as her eyes could see. Deep blue water shimmering like sparkle from the light of the stars that adorned the sky. The sea was quiet, just like her, there were a lot of ripples deep within but on the surface both appeared calm. The sea in all its glory resembled her in every way possible. Her blue eyes glittered in the dark most probably because a tear just made its way down her face leaving behind that little glint of its moisture. The sea just like her gave life as well as challenged life when it wanted to. She thought of her kids, her joy of life, her reason for living which life mercilessly took away from her last year. The terrorist bombing took away everything and left black smoke, hazy vision of her dying kids and bleakness in her life. Her heart ached. Her children suffered because some people wanted to prove their might over our country. But how? By killing innocent souls? She was no one to ask this question as today she had to do the same. With her children her conscious was also ruthlessly bombed that day.

The sea is a habitat for so many living things that were nurtured in its existence just like her, those days when she had a family where everyone called out to her for something or the other. But today the sea with all its calmness was prepared to avenge the destruction that humans had caused. The night before the Tsunami of 2005, the sea felt silent, a silence that shouted of the impending doom. The dark waters receded before it lunged forward to destruct everything that came in its way. Was the sea ever guilty for its revenge? No it wasn’t. But then why was she thinking so much.

She saw her jacket kept next to her bed, the clock was ticking faster now. Beads of perspiration appeared on her forehead. She glanced at the clock and then at the picture of her kids. She felt a similar pain that she felt a year back. She knew how it felt to lose everything and live like a zombie.

She wore her jacket and went out.

The sun came out of the sea spreading its reddish hues in the entire sky. Red the color she hated, the color of her children’s blood that was scattered in the park that day and the color of vengeance.

If she did what she was asked to, she would cause another breed of people like her to be born. She was not ready for it. She had to die either ways but she had a choice of life above death. Her ankles were deep in the sea by now, nothing deterred her , she kept walking.

Far away in a police station there was a lot of commotion. A bomb had just blasted and that too in the sea leaving the officials baffled because no causalities were caused. None except one.

Alone yet Not Lonely

“Siya baby wake up”, she heard her mother’s voice.

She saw her mother looking beautiful wearing a spotless white cape, her dark tresses flowing, her big eyes brimming with love and her smile, which everyone said resembled hers. She raised her hand towards her smiling sheepishly. And the moment their fingers were about to touch, she vanished away.

She sat up with a jolt. It was just another dream. Dreams that showed her mother trying to reach out to her. Dreams that made no sense but yet that were everything to her. Somehow she knew she’ll never be able to get over the loss of her mother. Her mother, her best friend, her confidant, all lost battle to that disease which people called cancer and she called “her enemy”. It was hard for to get used to the fact that her mother won’t be around.

She lived with her father, her elder brother and her grandmother whom she despised. Her grandmother never liked her and held her responsible for all evil that befell on the family. And even she hated her for the reason that she constantly urged her father to remarry. Step mothers are bad, perhaps granny hasn’t read Cinderella , she often thought.

An intense pain had started to grip her past few days. She held her abdomen and gave out a shrill cry. Her father came running to her enquiring if she was fine. She looked at her father, his ashen face, his swollen eyes that gave all the lies he spoke about being fine, the clothes he wore weren’t ironed, how could they ever be, mum was not here and grandmother did nothing except chanting her verses.

“No dad I am fine. Just a little stomach ache. Can I skip school today”, she asked meekly.

“Of course sweetheart. But promise me if it worsens you’ll give me a call and you’ll be a well behaved girl behind my back. I don’t want any complaints from your Granny. Okay? “

“She’ll complain irrespective of that Dad and you know that”, she stuck her tongue out.

He kissed her forehead and went out. He knew his mother was emotionally scathing his daughter by her vicious words but then how can he leave her alone. Since the day Siya’s mother has left he felt his desire to live had dampened but he had to live for his daughter who was doing everything to fill up the void.

Since her mother’s death she had matured a lot. In her last days her mother kept talking to Siya alone maybe transferring all she knew to her. Since then she never made unjust demands, her homework was duly done, she got up on her own, dressed up for school, made food for her dad, never answered back her Grandmother. She started to fill for her mother’s place. Every evening when her father returned , she would rush to him with a glass of water asking him how his day went and narrating him each and every single event of her day. Somehow maybe she and her mother had a secret bond that nobody would know. Siya wanted to become a doctor to know what killed her mother and to stop it from killing anyone.

But today she laid in bed withering in pain. She walked to the bathroom and to her utter horror she was bleeding and that too from down. She stared in horror not understanding where the blood came from. She was just nine. She sat in the bathroom, crying.

“Why am I bleeding there? Have I also got cancer? Am I dying? Whom should I ask? Granny? Oh no she’ll never help me. Should I call dad? No No he’ll be very worried. When mum told him he broke into tears I can’t do the same. Whom should I call?”

Suddenly she remembered that her mother gave her a number to call whenever she was in a problem.

“Hello.”

“Hello Young Women Helpline. How can I help you?”

“Ummm I am bleeding and that too from down and its paining in my stomach.”

“How old are you?”

“Nine.”

“Okay hold on you are fine you just got your periods. Where is your mother ? I guess I need to talk to her.”

“ She is dead.”

“Okay. Where do you live?

“I live in Asha Apartments, second floor , 3^rd flat.”

“Okay wait we are sending help.”

After 15 minutes the doorbell rang.

Siya opened the door and found a plump woman standing there.

“Hello sweety. Let's get to your room. Okay give me an undergarment of yours.”

The lady unwrapped a white thing that stuck on her bottoms. For the next one hour she told her what happened to her and explained her how to deal with it.

“I’ll be leaving now. Next time you face a problem give us a call.”

“Thank you. “

The lady looked at the photoframe on the bedside.

“Is she your mother?”

“Yes .”

“Your mother was a beautiful human being, And you know what she was the one who initiated this helpline. I have just started working there  but I have seen many photos of her in our office. I am glad its because of her that even I was able to reach out to you. God Bless! And make your mother proud one day.”

“Dad was right. Mum could make anything alright, even when she wasn’t around”, she smiled to herself and closed the door.

Very soon I’ll be a doctor.

The Proud Daughter

She came out of the Girl’s washroom for the 5^th time in past half an hour. Anxious she walked up and down the corridor contemplating if she had taken the right decision.

“If not today, then never. This is the only way I can put to halt all these boys and girls who have made life a living hell for me. As if it was any good  but now I have to bring an end to it. I want my respect back and I want these ignorant people to know that how difficult it is for anyone to earn a living.”

“Are you giving the speech today”, asked a girl passing by.

She nodded.

“Perhaps about how to spread your legs and carry forward your legacy”, she smirked and left.

Those words stabbed her making her feel sick. Tears welled up in her eyes which she dabbed away.

“How cruel it is for people to say something so heinous so casually. What if I would have abused them? But that is not who I am. I will give all of them a prompt reply. I have to do this today.”

She went towards the podium  that stood in the middle of the stage of the school auditorium. All eyes were on her. Some mocking, some passing comments, some just smiling and a very few whom she called as her friends giving a reassuring look. Her throat felt dry. She coughed a few times and then clearing her throat a few more times she took a deep breath. The crowd was getting restless making sounds of “boooooo” and yelling at her to get off the stage. The teacher went and gave a pat on her shoulder.

“Speak my child. You are doing nothing wrong”, she whispered in her ears.

“A very Good Morning to all of you. Today I stand here infront of everyone to voice my opinion against the harassment that I have been facing for the past few months. I have never given a public speech till date so kindly bear with me. Few months back some seniors of ours visited a red light area where they saw me because that is where I live. My mother works there”, her voice quivered as she spoke.

“I was hiding this fact from everyone ever since I joined this school because I knew people will be biased and then pass lewd comments about my mother which is totally uncalled for. Yes she is a prostitute but that is her profession. Back at home when she is with me , she is same as your mother is with you. She cooks for me, she scolds me when I don’t study, she is the reason that I have a roof on my head and she is the reason that I am better human being than most of the people sitting here. My question here is that does her profession define who she is or who I am? My father died when I was two. My mother did her best to give me food but the sources of income were scarce and that is when she went into prostitution. She could not see me starving, crying and getting drenched in rain as we had no home. She succumbed to the circumstances. Many of you will question why she did not choose a more respectable job. She did try. She worked as a maid in a few homes where men gave her wolf stares and once one even tried to outrage her modesty. She changed many jobs but the truth my dear friends remains the same. Even in the corporate sectors sexual advantages are hard to ignore. Girls are pressurised into it. They work and sell their morals on the road to success. I am not saying everyone does that but when you have a hungry child back at home money becomes God. Morals couldn’t satiate to our necessities. So she chose to earn with her body. What do you think is it easy for her to be clawed by different men who belong to the upper or the respectable class of the society. Her selling her body is cheap but men feeding on that is just a social get away! How fair is that? The problem that I was facing was that since the seniors found that I was a daughter  of a prostitute , they spread this news like a wildfire in the entire school and  almost every second child started calling me “whore”, “slut” and even worse asked me if I was available for a night. Do you even understand how demeaning it is for me? Had my mother wanted to turn me into a prostitute why on the earth would she send me to a school where the kids of the most elite people study?  She wants me to study hard, get into good college and make my life worth living. She despises her life and she prays every night that I come out of college with flying colors. And you know what I am proud of my mother not because of her profession but because she is more humane than many other people. She has taught me to respect every individual and also taught me the harsh realities of this world. She not only sends me to school but also sponsors the  education of a few more girls whose mothers left them in brothels. She is a warm hearted woman who believes in God. She believes that everyone is equal. I would conclude by saying she sacrificed her life for me and I want to concentrate on my studies. Please I do not sleep around so stop asking for my rate card. No mother would want her child to enter this dark world. NEITHER AM I A PROSTITUTE.  Just like you I am a random girl searching for my dreams. Thank you for your patient listening”.

Tears fell down from her eyes. The teacher quickly came and gave her a big hug.

“I am so proud of you. You did it wonderfully”, she beamed.

Suddenly there was scraping of chairs and a commotion in the auditorium. Almost everyone was standing by now clapping loudly as if telling her that she was accepted and loved. Those who called her names hung their head in shame. The rest were applauding.

She smiled. Finally she restored her respect and got back the dignity that she thought she never had.

Later that evening

“Amma I got a prize at school today.”

“For what?”

“I got it because of you”, she hugged her mother hard who sat bewildered and confused about what her daughter just said.

She knew Unconditional Love

She sat on the couch and turned the television on, casually flipping the channels occasionally glancing at the wall clock.

“There still are 40 minutes to go”, she told herself silently.

She looked towards the kitchen where she left the coffee for brewing.

“He loves strong coffee”. Smiling she inhaled the aroma of coffee wafting in her home.

She took a week off from office, a much needed break from work. She grew tired of being a software professional, for a while she wanted to do nothing, sit at home, cook good food, chat with her friends, try new recipes and read. Two days had passed in bliss. She slept to her heart’s contentment.

She again looked at the watch.

“Oh God why is this clock testing my patience. Relax!! It's just a matter of 15 minutes.”

She was waiting for her husband who usually arrived home by nine. All tired and worked up. She looked around the interiors of her room, the plush leather sofa set, the big LED screen TV, the Kashmiri handwoven carpet, the marvellous collection of exclusive dine ware, her mahogany bed and her sparkling chandelier. These were the luxuries for which they worked day and night for the past five years. She smiled remembering her first day in this house when they slept on the floor. There was nothing, empty. But still, today after everything she felt empty. These luxuries failed to provide comfort. Her soul yearned for motherhood. She wanted her child, her very own sweet little child. She wanted someone who could bring a splash of color in their drab life, someone whom she could scold for sketching on the walls, someone for whom she would run through the entire house, someone whose laughter would kill the silence that prevailed in her home.

Today she was determined to talk to Runal, her husband, about it.

The sound of the bell brought her back to the reality.

She  welcomed Runal with his favourite coffee. Surprised he asked the reason for her happiness.

“Runal I was wondering don’t you think it is time that we should think about a child.”

“What is the hurry?”

“I am already 32 Runal, the more we extend this, the more complications we’ll have.”

“What is the need for a baby? Are you not happy with me? We are living a life we have always dreamt of. Why do you want to even bring a child into it?”

“Runal bring some sense into your talks. You don’t produce babies to fulfil any needs. I know we have everything and ultimately whom are we earning all this for?”

“I am earning for myself. I am making it very clear to you I don’t want kids and the discussion ends here.”

He went inside the slammed the door hard.

Something cracked inside her, perhaps her heart.

She wanted a child. She thought she’ll again try talking to him knowing that it would be useless. Runal dressed up and came outside declaring that he’d be late. Before she could even say a word he went out. She looked at the watch again.

11pm

I guess it's already too late.

Runal was driving very fast on the empty roads of the city.

“I have to tell her now. I have to. I can’t keep it a secret now. All these years I have taken all precautions to hide it, taking extra measures to prevent any effect on her but now I have no escape. Impregnating her meant sowing the seeds of my disease in her. Damn! I can’t even think about this. I do not want her to suffer the way I am suffering everyday. I still regret getting this tattoo done. How would have I known this tattoo would alter my life this way making me an HIV Positive person. And there are high chances that the child will have the same disease. But if I tell her she’d hate me, probably leave me, abandon me but if I don’t I’ll deprive her of joys of motherhood. What if I tell her that I am infertile? But then someday my HIV will lead to Aids then what will I do.”

Suddenly darkness engulfed him, he lost control.

He felt a hand on his head, a warm liquid on his cheeks and then a finger wiping it away.

“Where am I”, he wondered.

He felt intense pain trying to bring his senses in order, a hazy appearance sat next to him. It was his wife.

“Runal? Runal? Doctor I guess he is gaining consciousness”, she rushed outside.

He looked at her. Her eyes were swollen and red. Her dishevelled appearance showed her anxiety. When the doctor exited he asked her to come and sit next to him.

“I have to tell you something.”

“I already know that. Your blood reports were given because you lost excess blood during the accident.”

“Then what are you still doing here?”

“What do you mean by that. I am your wife. If I will not be sitting here who else would? I guess he operation has had a bad impact on your brain”, she smiled.

“Are you not angry I hid that from you?”

“Angry? No. Sad? Yes. I wanted you to tell me and not the doctor but I guess you had a reason for not telling me.”

“Why are you still with me? You can leave.”

“I did not marry you to leave you when you require me the most. I am here and I will stay. And you don’t tell me what I should do or not. You have messed up enough. Now let me take control. See you are so bad at handling things alone. You need me and I need you more than I need a child. By the way I have filled an adoption form and because you have fractured your hand I copied your signature”, she giggled like a naughty child.

“ I love you.”

“If you mean it never lie to me again. Take rest now.”

“Won’t you say you love me too?”

“Ummm is it necessary? I’ll say when I feel like. I said it around a thousand times when you were unconscious. You did not reply. You know how I felt? I felt like you were slipping out of my hands. You should be glad at least I am wide awake listening to your love saga and blushing.”

He closed his eyes and slept peacefully, for the first time in so many years.